Good-will To Men

It looked like our chances of eating at our favorite restaurant were increasingly slimming. We hurriedly shuffled towards the crowded doors of the Cheesecake Factory, our frustration and disappointment growing with each step. So far our plans for celebrating our 3^rd anniversary had hit a number of problems. We had already started later than expected and fought through miles of bumper-to-bumper traffic just to reach our destination. Parking only added to our anxiety due to the holiday rush. As we approached the restaurant entrance, nearby rumors of a 2 hour wait confirmed our fears. Our perfectly planned evening would not be as perfect as anticipated.

In dejected fashion, we began to weigh our options. Waiting for the two hours was out of the question. Not only would that ruin our other plans of touring the church grounds where we got married, but there was no chance that Oliver’s cherubic-like demeanor would have lasted the night.

So there we sat, just outside the throng of people waiting for their tables. Coveting got the best of us as we struggled to change our plans. Images of cheesecake, chicken Bellagio, and avocado eggrolls danced in our heads, making any sort of decision making nearly impossible. The ensuing conversation is one that should never occur on anniversaries:

“Where do you want to eat?”

“I don’t care, where do you want to eat?”

“You do care. Just pick a place.”

“No I don’t. I am fine with whatever.”

“(Sigh) How about Kneaders?”

“Oh not Kneaders.”

“I thought you were fine with whatever?”

“I am, just not Kneaders.”

“(Sigh)”

Running out of both time and options, we had to figure out something. It seemed we would have to settle for a "romantic" dinner at the nearby crowded food court. It was less than ideal, but dinner is dinner. Accepting our fate, we began to load up our stroller to make the disgruntled journey to the food court.

Just as we turned to head away from the restaurant, a man politely approached us and asked if we were waiting in line. Expecting him to ask what the wait time was for a table, I informed him that a table would require him to wait 2 hours.

“I know,” he kindly replied. “We reserved a table and have been waiting here.”

He nodded to his own small family in the distance, acknowledging their presence. He eagerly looked again at our puzzled faces. He then took out a small receipt with his name on it. Without hesitation he extended his arm, offering me the small slip of paper.

“Our plans have changed, and you look like you could use a table,” he explained. “Go ahead and take our reservation. They should be seating you in about five minutes. Just tell them you are Tyler.”

Visiting the Salt Lake Temple on our 3rd anniversary

With equal parts astonishment and excitement, I gratefully took the reservation. He vanished as quickly as he appeared and left us to claim the reservation. Our feelings of excitement for a favorite meal quickly replaced our feelings of resentment. But more significant was the feeling of good-will that Mr. Tyler had towards a perfect stranger. Instead of simply discarding his reservation and making a quick getaway, it was apparent that he had waited for an opportunity to uplift and benefit someone else. It was a beautiful gesture of Christmas spirit. A perfect illustration of “peace on earth, good-will to men.”

I thank Mr. Tyler for not only a good meal, but a great example as well. This is such a beautiful time of year. While I am no fan of winter months, there is no doubt in my mind that these closing days are the best days of the year. I have struggled recently wondering what I may write to you about this holiday season. I wanted to be able to express my deep feelings about this time of year without cliché or cookie cutter language. This time of year deserves more than that. Considering the year we have had and the struggles that we all face, I feel it wholly appropriate the focus on the message of good-will to men.

This is not an effort to avert our attention from “peace on earth”. That is a noble and worthy goal. I just happen to think that these two are often quoted out of order. You see, without good-will to men, there is no peace on earth. While one may not exist without the other, you must understand that peace is the consequence of good-will. Due to this belief, I conclude that the gross lack of peace on earth is due to a general lack of good-will towards one another. So for a moment, let’s forget about peace on earth. It will come naturally in its own time, provided we first master “good-will to men.”

Good-will is a widely inclusive concept. Breaking it down in parts might help us better understand its purpose. Will is synonymous with words such as attitude, desire, intention, resolve, appetite, or yearning. It is something we all possess and a power that we exert upon our environment every day. It is your will that drives you to live, learn, love, and do everything else that you do. It is a power we choose to exercise for good or evil. Boiled down to its simplest form, I think that will is the power to influence. This summation seems most fitting since ours is the greatest influence that affects our attitudes, desires, intentions, and appetites.

What does good-will look like? We might not physically see a persons will, but we do see its influence externally. Good-will is manifested in actions of respect, sympathy, friendship, encouragement, and understanding. Many people seem to think that they exemplify good-will toward men by the giving of gifts. This is a kind gesture, but there are more influential ways of exerting good will to men. Perhaps we should consider combining our gifts with an increase of courtesy, respect, honesty, love, or appreciation towards the recipient. Gift cards will expire, clothes will fade, and entertainment will become dull, but good-will lasts longer and offers more than tangible gifts.

All men and women are in need of some sort of help. That helps comes in many forms and is not limited to temporal needs like food, shelter, or finances. Sometimes the people that are in need of good will are the ones least expected to need it. I would argue that everyone is in need of some good-will at different times in their life. It is up to us to keep our eyes and hearts open. Pay attention to others. Look close enough you will see a need that can be met.

Being a person of good-will requires some effort, but good-will doesn’t have to be complicated. Here are some things that have come to my mind when I have thought of the concept of good-will:

• Giving credit where credit is due
• Sincere compliments
• Going the extra mile
• Practicing restraint
• Edifying and encouraging words
• Avoid criticizing for the sake of criticizing
• Admitting mistakes
• Standing up for others
• Offering someone the benefit of a doubt
• Being respectful

These are just a few things that have crossed my mind as I have looked at my own life and actions. Like many, I have so much room to improve. If good-will is based off of how we live and treat others, then it is painfully clear that I do not always achieve a good-will lifestyle. However, I am making a sincere effort and hope to be there one day.

I have grown to appreciate the hymn, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day”. I have read the poem that inspired the hymn several times this holiday season. The defining lyrics of this poem are repeated at the end of every stanza: “…peace on earth, good-will to men.” The words take on deeper meaning once you understand the history behind the poem.

The poem was written Christmas day 1863 by American poet, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. At the time, America was in the middle of its deadliest conflict as Union and Confederate armies fought a vicious civil war. Families were torn apart; brothers killing brothers and friends killing friends. In Longfellow’s own words:

It was as if an earthquake rent

The hearth-stones of a continent,

And made forlorn

The households born

Of peace on earth, good-will to men.

Every American family was afflicted with grief and fear. Longfellow himself was in state of heart ache and sorrow. He had recently lost his wife in a fire and his oldest son, who had joined the Union army against his wishes, was horrifically wounded in battle. The shadow of war had impacted him intimately. Christmas, a traditionally joyful day and celebration, was a now a harrowing and distressful day for many families. Longfellow’s words echoed the sorrow and grief felt by all American families:

And in despair I bowed my head;

“There is no peace on earth,” I said;

“For hate is strong,

And mocks the song

Of peace on earth, good-will to men!”

The sentiment expressed in those words lasts to this day. The American Civil War ended long ago, but it was sadly followed by other wars that have decimated families and destroyed communities. Families are still experiencing loss and heart ache due to the lack of good-will and love. The loss is senseless and unexplainable. On a smaller scale, other families fight their own wars against poverty, tyranny, illness, and any number of other enemies. Struggle and despair are not foreign to any living soul.

But in response to all that is wrong with the world, the actions of good-will and love ring that much louder. This is especially true of the Christmas season. Even the most anguished and miserable can find hope. Hearts can be healed. Relationships can be mended. The downtrodden can be uplifted. Longfellow symbolizes this optimism with these words:

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

“God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;

The Wrong shall fail,

The Right prevail,

With peace on earth, good-will to men.”

These words ring true for me. It is my testimony and experience that good prevails. It does so through the good-will of others; individuals like you and I. We can make the difference, so long as our attitudes, desires, and actions are focused on the betterment of mankind. Thankfully, we can change and become better as individuals. We all can work towards being decent towards all men. We are graced with that ability due to the divine good-will which we celebrate this time of year.

Ending on that note, I wish you a Merry Christmas!

Peace on earth, good-will to men!

Envy and Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is on our door step. That means ample portions of football, turkey, mashed potatoes, and pie. The combination of food and sports makes Thanksgiving one of the most Gulbranson-Compatible holidays. This might explain why we love to celebrate both Canadian and American Thanksgivings. It also marks the beginning of the best time of year where people generally start to feel more amiable and more charitable. It is hard to not enjoy the increased sense of gratitude and goodwill among the population. It is a very inspiring time of year.

I think we revere thanksgiving and gratitude so much because they are relatively rare compared to their counterparts envy and greed. There are so many who hold angry and indignant feelings towards others. Pouters and gripers see the world as “they have this” and “they shouldn’t have that”. There is little wonder why gratitude is scarcely found outside the Thanksgiving season.

These feelings are not altogether bad. We need to feel a sense of urgency and desire in order to get anywhere in life. Without it, no progress would be made at all. When we look at people and their successful relationships and accomplishments, it should serve as an excellent motivator. You should aspire to be where they are and to obtain what they have. Competitive nature may even drive you to accomplish more. These emotions should cause you to look within and ask, “What can I do to enjoy that type of success?” Instead, we are predisposed to point fingers elsewhere, seeking to limit others and stunt their own growth. In this frame of mind, the question we end up asking is “Why do they deserve that?”

Can you see the difference? Honest observers will recognize it is a "Me vs. Them" conflict. The justification for this conflict stems from the belief that someone else's good fortune is responsible for your misfortune. Rather than acknowledge your own power and capability to achieve success, you willingly throw that to the side and opt for the easy way out: someone else is to blame for your lack of success or someone else’s wealth and enjoyment is dampening your own. Thinking in this way consumes your will to accomplish, replacing it with a lust for “leveling the playing field”. But there is a problem with leveling the playing field. Once you have eliminated the steep climbs and flattened the challenging inclines, no one can reach the pinnacle of success.

Many people argue that envy is the result of the excess and the prosperity enjoyed by others. I would argue that the root cause of envy and jealousy is our inability to distinguish reality from our own perceptions. Envy is a reckless ignorance of the bigger picture. An envious person sees only the façade. The object of their envy is a polished product that is the result of so many unenviable practices such as patience, hard-work, and dedication. Without peeking behind the scenes, the envious will never be able to answer “why do they deserve that?”

There is no better example of this than the societal envy of the wealthy. This is a common outrage in our culture. The conflict between the Have’s and Have-Not’s has grown steadily in recent years. Topics like wages, taxes, benefits, subsidies, welfare, and exemptions are hotly contested. The reasonable consensus is that everyone SHOULD be paying in to society. Regardless of stature or status, both the poor and the rich have the shared responsibility to be good citizens. But there is a growing condemnation for all things wealth related. The genuine applause for earning riches is slowly being silenced by the rowdy castigation of financial success.

Some time ago, I had a conversation with a close friend about business. The topic turned to CEO’s and entrepreneurs and what it takes to be successful. To my surprise, he candidly chastised successful business people. When I pressed him on his reasoning, he could only respond by saying, “There is absolutely no possible way you can get that rich without being a shady unethical person!” The underlying assumption was that once you have reached a particular tax bracket, you are instantly callous, unfeeling, underhanded, selfish, corrupt, and undeserving.

What my friend failed to understand, and what many people fail to understand, is the amount of effort and hard work it takes to attain that level of success. Nearly every wealthy person is supported by years of education, failures, experiences, trials, sacrifices, determination, and patience. To me, those are qualities more deserving of admiration and not condemnation. In fact, a majority of us don’t bother to go through those harrowing years of failure and stress. Furthermore, the assumption that rich people sit on their money and gleefully roll around in mountains of gold coins it utterly false. Anyone willing to understand how economies work will know that wealthy citizens put their money to work! The money goes to start new businesses, which in turn hires more people and fosters more opportunities. The money pours into charities and organizations whose purpose is to help people in need. The money pays the salary of the yacht maintenance crew, or the private jet crew, or the cooking staff. They in turn bring that money home to feed their families and build their communities. This is all done in addition to paying taxes. The assumption that all rich people horde wealth and don’t look out for anyone but themselves is deceitful.

Do some people get rich through unethical means? Of course they do! Just as some poor people choose to barely survive and get by unethical means. But the cases are far fewer than we are led to believe. That behavior always has a way of catching up to you as well. Justice will be served at some point.

This brings us back to the immorality of envy. Envy goes far beyond wanting what others have. It is also wanting others to lack or fail because of what they have. It is the eager anticipation that someone whom we perceive as undeserving will experience loss, limitation, or ruin. If that way of thinking isn’t considered backwards and evil, I don’t know what is.

In the end, envy will leave us right back where we left off; deficient and angry. Even if the envious person gets what they wanted in the wake of another party’s failure, satisfaction is distant and out of reach.  Feeling justified by an “I told you so” attitude, a person will have to endure the effects of envy for an unknown period of time. In fact, they will unknowingly suffer from those effects until they decide to embrace gratitude and celebrate success. That is the only cure and protection we have against envy.

Combating envy is not easy. No person is exempt from its influence. For every struggling poor person, there is a rich man. For every loving relationship, there is a broken one. For every Kansas City Chief, there is a Denver Bronco. No matter what you have, there is always someone who has more of it. From time to time, others will reap the benefits of good fortune. With enough patience, you can count on reaping those benefits as well.

Jeffery R. Holland echoed this sentiment when he explained “…there are going to be times in our lives when someone gets an unexpected blessing or receives some special recognition. May I plead with us not to be hurt – and certainly not to feel envious – when good fortune happens to another person? We are not diminished when someone else is added upon. We are not in a race against each other to see who is the wealthiest or the most talented or the most beautiful or even the most blessed.”

This is a unique time of year. We get a nationally designated time to express gratitude and have an attitude of thanksgiving. Growing up, we celebrated two Thanksgivings; October for Canadian Thanksgiving and November for American Thanksgiving. I loved that tradition for two reasons:

1) Two Thanksgiving meals… duh!

and

2) More time to appreciate and recognize the blessings in my life.

This Thanksgiving I am trying to look at things a little differently. I’m challenging myself to transform my envy into gratitude. If there are people more wealthy than myself, I will be grateful that I live in a land that affords that opportunity to anyone willing to take risks and work hard. If there are more successful students than myself, I will be grateful for competent and reliable doctors, surgeons, and professionals. If there are people holding positions of authority over me, I will be grateful for experienced counsel, leadership, and differing perspectives. If there are people more happy than myself, I will be grateful that I am surrounded by positive and uplifting family and friends.

There is so much to be grateful for. I imagine that if our society were to focus more on the virtues of gratitude and appreciation, then we would not have to suffer with the consequences of envy and greed. To the same degree that envy harms society and individuals, gratitude can heal and harmonize both society and individuals. That will never be the case until we individually make the effort to change our own attitudes. I hope you take advantage of those opportunities to be grateful and celebrate success, whether it is your own or someone else’s.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Halloween 2014

Like any human being, I gleefully appreciate any sort of a break. Anything that can actually take our minds off of the hustle and commotion of the day is a welcomed change. While Halloween has never been my favorite day, it definitely falls into the category of welcome changes.

Our family posing with the Up! house. Chief was either too ashamed or angry to look for the photo.

This year was Oliver’s first Halloween. It was the most anticipated Halloween I have had for a while. I guess there is something special about watching your own children participate in some of your childhood traditions. There is also something equally special about collecting a father’s candy tax. Fortunately for you kids, my candy tax policy is quite conservative. My tastes are now limited to a rare Twix or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. The regime I once lived under taxed me and my siblings vigorously. It was a policy that would have put the IRS and fiscally liberal minds to shame.

For a time, I figured that my costumed candy collecting days had come to a sudden halt. Candy no longer has the alluring effect it once possessed. On top of that, I am not altogether crazy about dressing up. I guess a childhood of poorly chosen costumes could be to blame for that (being a witch seemed like such a good idea at the time). My lack of creativity was equally matched with a lack of understanding gender specific characters. Nonetheless, I was not totally abandoned to my own limitations. One year my mom helped me fashion a remarkable Qui-Gon Jinn outfit and I later joined my cousins as the third Musketeer in high school.

I guess costumes didn’t really matter to me. The real focus was on my Aunt Maureen’s popcorn balls, Grandma Gulbranson’s sugar cookies, Aunt Lily’s scones, and my family’s donuts. While my sweet tooth may not desire chocolate bars or Starbursts, it has an insatiable appetite for baked and deep fried goods! There was little applause for store-bought candy our circle of cousins. Popcorn balls, sugar cookies, and scones were the real prizes on Hallows Eve. Not even subzero temperatures and 3 feet of snow could prevent us from getting them.

I have a feeling Halloween is going to become a family favorite. The excitement I felt this year was something very new to me. I imagine I annoyed Kara with all of my ideas for traditions, costumes, and foods for the entire month of October. Halloween is unique because it is the one holiday where your imagination can go almost anywhere and create almost anything. Your Aunt Karli proved that this year with her amazing Muppets ensemble! She, like your Mom and other Aunts have an incredible talent for this stuff.

Brought to you by the incredible talents of Aunt Karli

We got to spend the evening with the McCoy's and the Hurrens and Grandma Gulbranson. There were scones, hot dogs, donuts, homemade root beer, and plenty of candy. Oliver was too little for his candy. Dutifully, I helped him take care of it. To end an already fantastic evening, Uncle Korlyn accompanied me to the best Mexican food on earth, Chipotle. As if our Halloween wasn't good enough, our burritos only cost us $3. 

Seriously, one of the best deals of the year! If you haven't tried Chipotle, you are missing out.

Let history reflect that 2014 was the year Halloween became something special for your dad. I simply cannot wait for all the fun things that are in our future. I hope you get to experience all the traditions I once enjoyed, and then add some of your own on top of it all.  

The Gender Debate

I have critical views towards the feminist movement. To be more specific, I am critical towards modern and contemporary feminist theory and philosophy. I applaud brave women who in times past risked life and limb to claim their rights to the ballot, an education, and land ownership. It is my belief that no human being ought to be denied these rights. All people ought to be able to experience the blessings and hardships related to the pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness. However, I feel many of the current feminist ideals work counter-intuitive to those principles.

I don’t say these things in jest or with lightheartedness. Truth be told, I have taken my time to really consider my feelings concerning this topic. I recognized that shooting first and asking questions later is one of the most reprehensible tactics used by both shallow-minded feminists and chauvinists. Rather than join the fray of venomous opinions, I have decided to play the role of silent observer. I have observed the gender debate in the context of protests, controversies, politics, and even faith. For a while I have felt the need to express to you my thoughts on the subject and why they are important. But every time I felt motivated to write about it, I also felt that I could not adequately express my thoughts and opinions so as to be understood.

My ideas and opinions make me a pretty solid target for many people. Those who tend to think counter-culturally will garner criticism and they should welcome it. But along with the legitimate criticism also comes the mudslinging. Those of my ilk and thought are discredited with a colorful combination of expletives and insults like scum, abuse-apologist, bigot, and supremacist. The more radical the opposition, the more radical the vilifying. So before I continue, I want you to know exactly where I stand. Above all, I want you to hear it from me and not someone else.

My view and attitude towards womanhood and motherhood is one of sacredness and reverence on par with manhood and fatherhood. There is just as much need for strong and capable women in our world as there is for competent and reliable men. My life is filled with exemplary women. I have a wife, a mother, sisters, and friends that I can look to for strength, encouragement, and support at any moment. They are entrepreneurs, creators, scholars, leaders, athletes, coaches, providers, and much more. Thankfully, you kids will also know these women as well. So there will be no mistake among the fair and reasonable minded that I have considerable respect for women.

There is no denying that history has not been kind to women. Everyone is aware of the barbaric and inhumane treatment women have endured for centuries. Some of that barbarism continues today in the remote corners of the globe. Yet, despite the historical cruelties and failures of men, you should not ignore the immense respect and admiration given to women during that time as well. You will be told that that such attitudes never existed. But you should consider how history has personified some of humanities most noble values. I invite you to look at the symbolism behind Lady Liberty, Columbia, France’s Marianne, Germany’s Germania, Athena, Artemis, or Rosie the Riveter. Personified in these women are virtues such as freedom, power, peace, wisdom, self-reliance, industry, and heroism. Their existence does not excuse any historic injustices, but it does prove that many societies have held sacred attitudes towards women.

Feminism would have us believe otherwise. Today, feminist movements have evolved from a campaign for equality and decency into a crusade of over-correction and hypersensitivity. For these, and other reasons, I feel that feminism as it exists today does not adequately address the needs and concerns of women.

With that in mind, I have to give feminists one thing. They are excellent at finding problems. Given enough time and a large enough audience, they will discover flaws in movies, games, sports, foods, words, phrases, statues… just about anything. Don’t get me wrong; there is always room for critical thinking. However, obsessiveness can deprive you of any redeeming value in the entertainment and enjoyment that life has to offer.

Sometimes a story is just a story. Sometimes a game is just a game. For most of us, movies, books, games, or groups can be valued for what they really are and what they offer us. But under the intense scrutinizing lens of gender criticism, feminists are not content to leave some things alone. Once a perceived injustice or inequality is found, they have another platform upon which to pass on their deep and educated analysis.

Let’s use the movie industry as an example. We look at beloved characters like Katniss Everdeen (Hunger Games), Hermione Granger (Harry Potter), Mattie Ross (True Grit), Leia Organa (Starwars), or Beatrice Prior (Divergent) and we find them refreshing. Strong female characters who challenge gender dichotomy and stereotypes are wildly popular, even among men! These characters masterfully maintain grace and poise while simultaneously kicking butt and taking names! Finally, some characters everyone can admire and get behind.

“Not so fast.” says the ever aware feminist. “This is simply another subliminal ploy originating from the oppressive patriarchy!”… (Queue the collective eye roll and sigh from the general public). “These women aren’t challenging gender roles!” they protest. “They are simply adopting the negative male roles that the ignorant masses love. Underneath the pretty smiles and flowing hair, they are no more than the aggressive, daring, risk-taking, and uncompromising men that persecute us!”

Considering the motivations behind this criticism, I feel confident in my assumption that many feminists would be terrible authors. They clearly have no clue what elements create a good story. Their thought process says, let’s ignore the fact that these women are characters of a greater story. Let’s ignore the fact that compelling characters have weaknesses and struggles that earn our respect and admiration. Additionally, let’s ignore the setting, circumstance, and conflicts that are present within their respective worlds and storylines. Let’s ignore their individual motivations and actions. At the heart of it all, the only acceptable female characters are the ones who change the world around them with stereotypical feminine attributes. Perhaps all female characters would be more acceptable fitting the “Legally Blonde” mold.

“Of course!” screams Princess Leia smacking herself in the head. “Why didn’t I think to compromise or simply talk things over with Darth Vader? Surely he would have listened to reason. Who knows, he may have seen things from our point of view and brought about massive reform in galactic policy.”

I digress.

There is a place for non-violence and compromise. In almost any situation those paths are considered long before any sort of violence. I happen to enjoy many stories that follow those paths. However, feminist thinkers and intellects are way too quick to point out negative traits like emotional inexpressiveness and violence. Even worse is their need to label those traits as inherently masculine. On the other hand, affection, cooperation, and nurturing are inherently feminine. This comes from their own research and theory. So why the distinction? From a feminist perspective, is not that categorization a wild departure from their most basic principles? Was not Atticus Finch (To Kill a Mockingbird) an example of nurturing, charity, and understanding? He was obviously not limited by his gender nor his circumstances. We look at him not only as a good man, but a laudable person.

Feminist efforts like this are aimed at a virtually impossible task. You cannot be dedicated to both modifying and maintaining the gender trait contrast. It should not exist in the first place. Positive traits are positive for everyone. Decisiveness, action, and boldness are all traits are as positive for women as well as men. Charity, creativity, and sensitivity are equally important to both genders as well.

When you dig a little deeper into its criticisms and philosophies, modern feminism struggles to make its message and actions harmonious with its own stated virtues. This disconnect triggers an even bigger disconnect between the public and the feminist movement. The divide leads feminists to place blame on everyone else but themselves. It can’t possibly be their fault. Once they adopt the feminist label, all narrow minded thinking and ignorance magically and suddenly gives way to a clearer vision and higher tolerance. Such is the belief.

The disconnect starts in the inconsistency and inaccuracy of modern feminism’s aim. Time after time, their actions and grievances give legitimate pause for doubt and ridicule. Despite what they think, the ridicule is not a result of misogyny or hate. It is simply born out of identifiable hypocrisy and absurdity. I can offer two examples where this is apparent.

Example 1:

There is a lot to be said about the objectification of women in media. Happily, I find myself agreeing with activists who express concern with overt sexual content in video games, movies, and advertisements. “Finally!” I say to myself. “This is an issue we can agree on.” Sadly, it won’t take long before double-standard enters the picture. With the same voice that feminists decry the objectification of women in video games, they will deify celebrities and pop artists for promoting sexual empowerment. Stars like Miley Cyrus and Beyonce are the champions of this crusade. They make it explicitly clear through their performances that women ought to take control of their sexuality through promiscuity, lewdness, and exhibitionism. This means more power in their eyes, and more power is akin to more equality. How anybody can justify this duplicity is beyond me.

While video games are largely marketed towards men, there are no statistics indicating that misogyny and sexism are on the rise. In fact, the opposite is true. I might add that I do not advocate continued objectification in these industries.

Now look at the target audience for Beyonce’s pop music. Without a doubt, it is appealing to young women and teenagers, specifically minority girls. In those demographics, unwanted pregnancies remain disproportionately high and self-esteem and self-image issues have reached epidemic levels. No one is suggesting Beyonce or Miley are 100% behind these consequences. However, a number of studies do find strong correlations between the aforementioned issues and the cultural media messages communicated to young women. Is it possible that this may be more harmful to women than video games and advertisements?

Example 2:

Vast populations of women and girls face nightmarish conditions and practices that are real and disgusting. Detailing each one of these egregious acts would require another article altogether. Scores of women have to deal with body mutilation, forced marriages, education bans, exploitation, legally sanctioned abuse, censorship, and many more abuses. For these women, these are not once in a lifetime events or freak incidents. These are daily realities forced upon them by twisted men and even other women. Surely these injustices are at the forefront of the feminist campaign.

How I wish that were true. By watching the news today and following the existing movement, you will see them highlight very different crusades. The list of grievances is as lengthy as it is trivial: being called “bossy”, tax subsidized birth control, title IX athletic equality, perceived gender pay gap, war on women, men’s health classes, Walt Disney movies, cyber harassment, twitter environment, gamer industry inclusion, nudity freedom on Instagram, banning the phrase “rule of thumb”, unrealistic physical standards for special armed forces, feminist biology classes, and so on. The anger and rage associated with these campaigns burns hotter and hotter. But imagine the good that could be accomplished if all the energy and rage were appropriately aimed.

Liberal feminist modus operandi leads me to believe that taking political stances and getting your way seems to be more important than the message itself. Earlier this week, Utah State campus was to host a lecture session from a prominent feminist activist. The evening prior to the event, a despicable excuse-for-a-human-being penned a lengthy warning to the university. The letter explained that if the university were to go ahead with the lecture, a violent shooting would occur with firearms and pipe bombs. Clearly this was the work of an insecure and cowardly loser who is incapable of protecting their fragile ego. Never is it acceptable to express disagreement in such a way. USU took the threat seriously, considered the safety of the event, and responded appropriately by offering to beef up security and involve higher authorities. The reaction seemed appropriate and swift. Yet, in spite of the increased security, the activist opted to cancel the event. Her reason: Utah’s concealed carry gun laws.

Now she was well within her rights to cancel if she felt her safety was an issue. Let it be noted, that this is not the first time she has received death threats for these events. However, it is the first time she has cancelled her event citing gun laws as a reason. Apparently, her taking a stand against gun laws was more important than the message she was originally scheduled to give.

What a wasted opportunity. Rather than really make a statement about the value of her message, she sold it for another unrelated cause. How much more powerful would her message have been if she decided to stay? Doing so would have boldly told her enemies that she would not be intimidated. She would have exemplified the same courage and fearlessness suffragist’s from the 19^th and 20^th centuries showed when they were brutally beaten for their message. Think of the case her bravery would have made about the character of women. Instead, she squandered the opportunity for petty politics and protest.

At the root of it all, modern feminism has a culture problem that clouds the judgment of its disciples and invites the criticism of its opponents. Culture is the base for many of current issues and struggles. It is no different in the world of feminism.

It is a culture that demands the adoption and unconditional acceptance of its premises, ideologies, and principles. It is widely advertised that one has to be feminist to care about women. Anything other than that is hateful and intolerant. Reality suggests something different. You don’t need to be a feminist to respect women. You don’t need to be a feminist to identify wrongful acts, prejudices, or negative attitudes towards women. All you need is to simply be a decent and intellectually honest person.

It is a culture of thought-police, censorship, and mob-rule. Dissenting opinion and open dialogue are not accepted virtues, although they would have you believe so. The worst control and coercion is reserved for women themselves. If you fall in line with the new and popular thinking, by all means, speak up and let your voice ring out. Got questions or criticisms? At best, you are an uneducated simpleton. At worst, you are among the vilest creatures to ever pace the Earth who is worthy of every pernicious insult, calamity, and tragedy life can hurl at you. With epic irony, modern feminism has managed to silence and alienate both men and women equally.

It is a culture or problem finding, not problem solving. Feminism supposedly promotes the inclusivity of women in all industries and walks of life. If such is the case, why have feminists advocated for university degrees in “women’s studies”? Wouldn’t it seem more logical and agreeable with their message to place more emphasis on science or arts? What is the purpose of women’s studies? If it is to help women, aren’t there other studies that can accomplish that? If you are interested in being a force for good in the world of women, why not pursue a law degree? It could be used to legitimately protect women’s rights at home, at work, or just about anywhere. Concerned about women’s healthcare? Try a medical degree or doctorate where you help women one on one. Concerned about abuse or women’s emotional needs? Try a career in the field of psychology where you can actually make a personal and tangible difference in the life of a struggling woman or girl. These are paths of problem solving, not problem finding.

Would I ever consider myself a feminist? I think you already know my answer. I have limitless respect for the women in my life, family and friends alike. There exist many principles and values within feminist circles that I support with all of my heart. More often than you think, I find myself having common ground with feminists that I know. When I do disagree with them, I can do so without being disagreeable. Nonetheless, the simple answer is a resounding no. I feel that answer will not change for me either.

I had previously warned you about culturally popular crusades that appeal more to emotion than reason. For the reasons I have stated above, I feel modern feminism falls within that category. I cannot in good conscience accept a label like feminist for the same reason I will never accept the label of masculinist. There is nothing uniting, amiable, or welcoming about either label. Both labels in and of themselves hint at an “us versus them” mentality.

Why would I ever want to associate myself with a group whose message is equal parts polarizing, convoluted, unclear, and potentially harmful? Instead, I advocate for something more cooperative and reasonable: Just be decent and fair, to both men and women. I don’t know if you would label my philosophy as equalism or humanism. I am inclined not to care so much what you call it, so long as you pattern your life and attitudes in a similar fashion.

If you would like to understand a little more about my frame of mind, I invite you to take a look at the Factual Feminist series hosted by Cristina Hoff Sommers. Most of my thoughts and opinions are closely related to her work and research.

Man's Best Friend

Friendship is a very valuable thing. Friends can make a world of difference for us when times are tough and we need a little boost. Good friendships require that you invest a lot of time and effort into their development. Once a good friendship has been established, the return on your investment is invaluable. But there is one friendship that gives you a perfectly loyal friend with relatively minimal investment. This unique relationship has earned for dogs the long-standing reputation as Man’s Best Friend.

Making friends comes easy for most of us. Others struggle and wait forever to make any friends. But the easiest friend you will ever make is with a dog. Unlike some humans, a dog will not measure your relationship based on looks, intelligence, or prestige. All you need is a pulse and a positive disposition. Dave Barry summed it up perfectly when he explained that “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would have thought of that!’”

Before we go on, let me first give you the Merriam-Blairster’s Dictionary definition of dog.

Dog

[Dawg, dog]

Noun

1.Domesticated canid from the family, Canis nonyippyis

2. Canines that are typically bigger than a mutated rat who are lacking (mostly) the following characteristics: yappy, irritating, disagreeable, needy, inept, surly, homely, haughty, conceited, and meddlesome.

I understand this definition of a dog might offend many avid rat and assorted rodent owners. Offense was not intended during the publication of Merriam-Blairster’s Dictionary. As a mildly reputable brand, they are simply interested in defining things as they are and not as people want them to be. Some people may mistakenly categorize some canine species as a “dog”. Nonetheless, a categorization of “feline” or “rodent” may be more a more appropriately applied classification.

I happen to endorse this definition and I am afraid I will not budge on my opinion. Perhaps my bias comes from being bitten on numerous occasions by the little wretches on the Chilean streets. Or perhaps the wild terrain of northern British Columbia made me particular to larger and more useful breeds. Either way, I love dogs! I hope always to have one in our family.

I would like to highlight my friendship with my dog, Chief. I have been lucky to know a lot of family dogs I shared with my brothers and sisters. Chief was the first dog to join our new family. My experience with good dogs motivated me to get one for ourselves. Since the day we got him, he has been a welcome part of our home.

My dog experiences have taught two important things. 1) Never name a dog Lucky. 2) A friendship with a dog can be a rewarding and fulfilling relationship so long as you do your part. Frankly, our human part in the friendship is a limited one. We have to make sure the pooch stays healthy and fed. After that, all that’s left is some exercise, frequent belly rubs, and the occasional garbage mess. That is essentially it. Doing nothing above or beyond that all but guarantees a loyal friend.

What does man’s best friend give us in return?

Hunting companion

Companionship. We got Chief for a multitude of reasons. One big reason for me was that I wanted a little buddy to accompany me and my family on campouts, hunting trips, and hikes. I got used to our old dogs Sambo and Cassie following me and my brothers everywhere in the forests behind our house. Their company made us feel safe and guarded no matter what. They were perfect companions for our summer days out in the sun and we never wandered alone.

Dogs make great companions for many reasons. They are patient enough to hear you gripe for hours. They are sensitive enough to know when something is not right. They are eager to make you happy and pleased. They even have a sense of humor other domestic animals just don’t seem to have (anyone who has tried to playfully wrestle with cats knows exactly what I am talking about). Dogs just have a personality that we wished many people had.

Sometimes you need someone who is happy no matter what. Someone who doesn’t worry or care about the next paycheck, big exam, or final deadline that is looming in the near future; someone whose sole job is to put a smile on and greet you excitedly at the door. Their attitude and love can help you forget, even if it is just for a short time, the burdens and stress that you carry daily. It is a thankless, yet important task.

Chief has never failed in this responsibility. By all accounts, he loves his job and preforms it dutifully every day. He is as good a companion as they come. He refuses to leave Kara’s side when he is in a protective mood. At the end of a long day, he is always the first at the door to greet me with his massive tail wagging enthusiastically. His excitement is barely containable when he sees us. He knows not to jump on you, but he will lean his 110 pound frame into you just to make sure you know he missed you. Chief, and many dogs like him, are iconic companions.

“Big deal…” says the dog hater. “I already have friends and none of them slobber on me and poop in my yard.” I certainly hope that is the case, or else you are clearly hanging out with the wrong crowd. Clearly a human is more suited for friendship in many aspects. Generally, though not always, humans are more capable of carrying on an intelligible conversation or sharing a nice civilized meal. 

Therefore, companionship alone is not enough to justify the title “Man’s Best Friend”. What else can your dog offer you?

Heroism. When you consider how much dogs love us, it shouldn’t be a surprise that they do extraordinary things in extraordinary circumstances. Probably the best example I have of this is of our old dog Cassie. When I was a smaller boy I enjoyed playing in the gullies in our back yard. For a while, there was a significant amount of buried barbed wire that was half exposed above the surface in the gully at that time. One time I managed to get snared in the barbed wire and could not get myself out. I struggled for a long time, but the harder I struggled the more ensnared I became. For a young child it was kind of a scary moment because no matter how loud I cried, no one heard me. No one but Cassie that is. Once Cassie knew I was in trouble, she crawled past all the barbed wire and sat at my side in an effort to calm me down. She stayed there the whole time until someone came to help me hours later.

Cassie is a family legend! Everyone loved her and she loved everyone.

That by no means was a life or death situation, but it made all the difference to a small scared boy. That was one event of many where Cassie showed her heroism. One more than one occasion she mothered  animals of different species who lost their mothers, essentially saving their lives. It did not matter if they were piglets or kittens. She noticed they needed something and went above and beyond to be a hero.

To a dog, you are his family and his pack. When a dog comes to feel part of the pack, he will protect that pack. Chief is a big softy. I would like to think that in a moment of need, he would use his intimidating size to protect and defend. The more likely scenario is where he may innocently betray his family in exchange for petting and attention. He shows flashes of bravery when he patrols the windows in our house to growl at strangers, or when he sees a bear on the side of the road. He is eager to make them know that he is there and seemingly unafraid. So hope remains.

Growling at passerby's

“Big deal…” replies the doggie downer. “My human friends do all sorts of admirable things and STILL don’t slobber all over me and poop in my yard.” Again, I can’t argue much against that. But I have noticed disturbing trends where some people are more interested in capturing drama on their phone and posting it to facebook or twitter instead of stepping in when help is needed. Undistracted by phones or social media, a dog will leap into action where a select few humans would rather watch. Consider our greatest human heroes: our armed forces, law enforcement, and fire fighters. Do you even notice their silent partners? You know… the ones who sniff out bombs? The ones who lead rescuers to avalanche victims? Or the ones who jump out of airplanes side by side with the military? When was the last time your human friend successfully sniffed out an unsavory-placed illegal drug suppository? Just some things to consider.

Companionship and heroism make a compelling case for “Man’s Best Friend”. However, there is one more thing that basically includes everything we talked about into one thing. It is the one quality dogs possess more than any other animal, including humans in some cases.

Loyalty. I know I have hinted at this already, but loyalty is an underrated quality that we take for granted in a friend. A loyal friend will do anything for you. They will be by your side through everything without much regard for their own safety and wellbeing.

My dad has a dog named Cali. She adores my dad and eagerly follows him everywhere. You might not consider it a big deal, but she will walk miles to stay near him. Every year when my dad works in the tractor, she is not far behind him trailing the tractor with every pass, back-and-forth, until the work day is done. That dog has seen more miles than an Avis rental-car. She is always ready when he needs her to be. That is incredible when you think about it! I have a hard enough time jogging one mile when it is clearly for my own benefit. How many of us would run many miles, day after day, for no other reason but to be there in case they needed something?

This is pretty typical of dogs. There are special instances of dogs refusing to abandon their owner or pack-members in spite of death, danger, or other circumstances. Loyalty is a quality that we admire in humans because I feel it is something that is more uncommon. I am grateful for the unwavering loyalty of family and friends. In that group, I must include the loyal dogs that I have known.

These two get along very well

I feel this is the one distinct feature a good dog will have that many humans still struggle with. Humanity struggles with epidemics such as infidelity, backbiting, betrayal, and selfishness. Dogs are just not inclined to do those things, with the exception of backbiting. Some are more than inclined to do that. But I digress.

There are people who aren’t big dog enthusiasts out there. I get it. When you take into account all the annoyances and messes that come with a dog, it can be easy to dislike them. Admittedly, I am one of those intolerant people who hates it when dogs bark non-stop. I hate seeing ill-behaved dogs in public places where they clearly don’t belong. My biggest complaint is finding poop out in the middle of a field when I am playing football or soccer! I too have my frustrations. However, I would encourage you to focus your frustration away from the dogs and point it in the right direction. A dog barks for hours because the owner spends no time exercising or playing with them. A dog misbehaves because the owner is too lazy to teach or discipline their dog correctly. A dog poops wherever they feel because the owner doesn’t teach them right and doesn’t pick up after them.Fault for poor behavior always lies at one end of the leash. Most of the time it is not on the dog’s end.

It is never easy to have to say goodbye to a friend. For people who have long lasting friendships with their dogs, the same applies. Time with our dogs can be short. Once you have gained a friend, it can be a tough trial to have to say goodbye. So make the most out of your friendship. Spend time with them playing, learning, and enjoying life. They will surprise you. They will teach you. They will encourage you. All of this because you invested your friendship in them. Seems to me like a pretty impressive return on investment.

On Selfishness

A full schedule of work and school can take its toll on you. Sometimes you need to take some time and take a load off. Usually, I prefer to do something athletic like play basketball or football. Lately I have dabbled in the game of soccer. Interest following the world cup finally inspired me to buy my own cleats and try it out. I brushed off the warnings from my family that a Gulbranson is not made for the world of soccer and started to play. I love it! I have a hard time watching it on TV sometimes, but it is a lot of fun to play! Unfortunately for me, the warnings regarding Gulbranson soccer ineptitude proved quite true.

One avulsion fracture later, I was confined to indoor entertainment. For me that takes the form of video games. I particularly like games with intriguing stories. Naturally, I can get pretty caught up in a game and become oblivious to my surroundings. So when Kara was working like a busy bee on her small business and needed help with smaller items like cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, I was patriotically chasing down fictional terrorists hoping to prevent a catastrophic worldwide attack. At the time I would have argued that I was not totally useless. After all, I had promised her that my attention would turn to the dishes once I had accomplished the mission. Oblivious to the growing frustration in the other room, I procrastinated the more important mission in lieu of a stupid self-serving one.

This was the handsomest gamer pic I could find online. Don't want a photo that misrepresents me!

Now that I have earned the scorn of all womankind, I would inform you that I have recognized my error and made a sincere effort to make amends. I increased my resolution to help around the house. Flowers also may have been involved. So before we throw all men under the bus, remember that no one is perfect. 

Selfishness is a common foe which we must all keep in check. Nobody is immune to its allure. Even a selfless person can, and will, commit selfish acts to some degree. You will be selfish at some point in your life. You should do your best to avoid a selfish lifestyle, but remember that it is impossible to avoid altogether. So for those moments when you have recognized your selfish acts, do what you can to amend them. If you manage to accomplish that, you are already leagues ahead of most people.

There are reasons it is impossible to altogether avoid selfishness. The prime reason is that we can be utterly and hopelessly unaware of our selfishness. I had no intention of ignoring Kara and neglecting to do other important things. Consequently, I was not intending to upset her and make her life more difficult. I would never consciously make a decision with those aims. Why then would I have ever done what I did? I suppose it is for the same reason anyone else is selfish: I became so enveloped in myself that I was wholly unaware of my selfishness. There was an absolute exclusion of the interest and welfare of another human being in favor of the self. That is the simple and bold definition of selfishness.

Considering the triviality of my experience, you might wonder why this all matters. It was dealt with and all parties have moved on (hopefully). Since selfishness is so common and unavoidable, why should you even worry about it anyways? Simply put, selfishness is really self-destruction in slow-motion. Our selfish nature can lead to irreparable damage if left unchecked and unchallenged. While my example of selfishness came at a small price, not all selfish acts create minimal consequences. Some reach more shocking and tragic ends.

Let’s reflect on the case of Robin Williams. Mr.Williams was an accomplished actor and comedian who had a supernatural gift that allowed him to bring laughter and joy to millions of people. He is considered by many to be among the greatest comedians of all time. While accolades and applause for his work abound, he was also credited for having a selfless life. He was devoted to charity work which included performing for U.S. Troops, donating to earthquake victims, and fundraising for the homeless.

I think one story in particular best shows the extent of Mr.Williams’ selflessness and charity. Following a serious horse-back riding incident, famous actor Christopher Reeve became a quadriplegic. His life had changed both instantly and drastically. While still hospitalized, Reeve was visited by his good friend and college classmate Robin Williams. In a manner only Robin Williams could, he showed up pretending to be an eccentric Russian proctologist on a routine examination.  For the first time since the accident, Christopher Reeve laughed. Prior to Williams’ visit, Reeves felt hopeless and simply wanted to die. Speaking about his experience, Reeve said “My old friend had helped me know that somehow I was going to be ok.” Reeve was once again able to see why life, no matter how afflicted it can become, is indeed worth living.

Based on this story and his past work with charitable organizations, one can safely assume that Robin Williams was a selfless individual.

Having described Williams’ incredible life, let me bring you to the events of this week. Following a harrowing fight with depression, Robin Williams made the tragic decision to end his own life. Years of experience and service from a talented human being were recklessly discarded. Many undeserving people are now left dealing with the shock, hurt, and anger that usually follow in the wake of such decisions. I sympathize with his family, and all families who face such tragedies. For them, the consequences and hurting will last for years and leave scars that may never fully heal.

His death has also led to an intense debate. One side quickly condemns suicide as a selfish deed carried out by cowardly people. This side is concerned that we dismissively attribute too much to chemical imbalances. The other side is equally quick to call opponents ignorant and naïve. They challenge that depression is trivialized and is too complex an issue to be simplified down to mere “selfishness”. Both make great points that I agree with, yet I feel their argumentative substance fails to get at the heart of the debate. If anybody had a sense to calm down and sincerely read and understand one another’s thought process, they would notice that they agree on many things. Suffering from depression does not make you selfish. A singe selfish act does not make a person selfish. Depression is a serious societal ailment that ought to be more candidly discussed. Depression is a crippling and debilitating disease, but not an untreatable one. Suicidal thoughts are illogical; therefore they are not easily combated with logic. Depression is as complex and vast as the number of people that it affects. If you are truly interested in solving the problem and seeing things as they really are, then these are points that everyone can agree on.

This has been a sensitive and volatile debate. I will try to address this as sensitively and respectfully as possible.

At the heart of the debate lies the real question:  Is suicide a selfish act? If we are to honestly apply the definition of “selfishness” to this case, the answer is a resounding yes. There are certainly exceptions, but not many in my opinion. To be selfish is to be chiefly concerned with one’s own interest to the extreme exclusion of the interest of others. Surely this definition applies. I go back to something I said earlier. We can become so enveloped in ourselves that our selfish behavior doesn’t even register in our minds; at least not until it is too late. We can become so far removed that it does not even adequately cross our minds. I believe such is the case with us all, especially those who suffer from diseases like depression or addiction. Such was the case with Robin Williams.

His life is now marked with a tragic selfish act. Nonetheless, that single act does not define a life of charity, humor, and selflessness. It is wrong to ignore the burden and heartache that such a tragedy leaves on those left behind. Likewise, it is wrong for people to ignore the amount of good he and others like him have accomplished. I feel a lot of that has been lost in the angry online debates where the opinions are staunch and the posts are stench.

I am not going to pretend I know what goes on in the mind of someone who faces depression or addiction. I fortunately have been blessed to have a life free of those trials. While I have not personally experienced such things first hand, I know others who have. I acknowledge that those who do have those problems certainly have clouded judgment and illogical reasoning. As a result they may not be wholly responsible for their acts. I do not know or understand what could drive a person to make such extreme choices, but it is clear that they have a terrible struggle that is both painful and dangerous. Therefore, I refuse to judge a man on this one act of desperation as some people have. Instead, I will look at the whole of his life and appreciate him for his successes and his positive influence. The rest is up to a power much higher and much more merciful than human judgment.

This is obviously an extreme example. However, I think it shows us some important things about selfishness:

1.       Even the most selfless people can get caught up in a selfish choice. I feel it is important to make this distinction. A single act of selfishness does not make you a selfish person. I feel it is equally important to understand that a long history of uninterrupted and unrepentant selfish acts does make you a selfish person.

2.       We often make a selfish choice when we are past feeling or our judgment is clouded. It is extremely easy to be become unaware of what we do, think, and feel if we are not vigilant. No one is perfect. Therefore we should not reasonably expect to live perfectly. Of course, that doesn’t give us a free pass to let our thoughts and actions wildly go wherever the wind takes them.

3.       Selfish choices do not always have the intention to cause heartache and hurt. Some people may honestly feel that their decision is actually for the benefit of others. Others feel that their actions truly only affect themselves and no others. Be careful not to trick yourself into thinking this way. These opinions are what allow addiction, and other mental diseases like depression, to control and destroy the lives of those they affect. But we often justify our actions to ourselves by saying those same things in other situations.

4.       One selfish act does not have to define your life. Like I mentioned before, you will make selfish decision at some point. We all do. People don’t do themselves any favors by taking offense to the idea that they, or someone they admire, are selfish people. I think those people that recognize and accept this have a better chance at living a selfless life. These are people who humbly recognize their mistakes and are sincere in their efforts to make things right. If you commit a selfish act, you can fix it. If you are a selfish person, you can change.

Selfishness is a real issue with real consequences. This is a time when people are more self-absorbed, self-indulged, self-entitled, self-satisfied, and self-righteous. These traits have spread like weeds and caused damage and grief to many people. Ironically, the damage done to us is often self-inflicted. Even with the utmost care, these things can take root in your life and grow. Therefore, your life requires constant care and tending to remove the weeds of selfishness if you are to have any hope of living a selfless life.

If you are interested, these links have some excellent content on selfishness vs. selflessness.

To sum this all up, I could easily advise you to not be selfish. However, I feel that would be highly ineffective and slightly hypocritical. I have a hard time faulting someone for selfishness. As noted, I myself am naturally a selfish being. You are too. Do what you can to avoid a selfish life. But above all else, humbly recognize when you have been selfish and genuinely strive to fix the problems your selfishness causes. When you struggle, there are always people who love and appreciate you. Whatever the struggle may be, there is hope and help.

What Fathers Need

I have loved everything about being a father so far! It has been one of the most fulfilling experiences that I have had. The best part is… there is so much more to experience. I am beyond blessed and privileged.

This week has been a special one. Oliver and Mom are away visiting family and it has made me realize just how much I miss and love them. Life gets pretty boring when you get home from work knowing that dinner will be awful and company will be lonely. As loving as our dog Chief is, he just has no capacity for conversation beyond “sit”, “treat”, and “potty”. Not to mention, he is the worst x-box partner ever.

Such a noob!

So I am approaching my first Father’s Day ever. Naturally, everyone asks the question “what does dad want?” The list can be short or long. Some lists will include the new golf set, cheesy ties, or batch of his favorite cookies. It’s difficult summing up your entire feelings of gratitude towards the man who raised you with something along those lines. Nonetheless, most dads I know wholeheartedly accept the praise and gifts. You see, dads aren’t always looking to get recognition or daily praise. That’s likely a good thing; little urchins aren’t always readily expressing their thanks even when it is warranted. I know this because I was often one of those ungrateful urchins. No… Fathers aren’t so concerned about apparent and tangible things like their wants. They would rather you focus on something a little more subliminal: their needs.

We don’t often think of fathers in this scope. Maybe because he does such a great job at meeting our needs, we tend to think he doesn’t have any. We all might think that he has things all put together so well that his needs have long been met and sorted out. How else could he have the time or energy to deal with ours? Rest assured, dad has needs just like you or mom has needs. More importantly, his needs have to be met just like yours and moms.

It shouldn’t be surprising that Dad would have needs. When you consider all the things he faces on a daily basis, it becomes very apparent that he has needs. I am not talking about the obvious things that we think about. Of course we know dad spends hours working away from home. Of course he sacrifices time to go to our games or spend time playing with us. Of course he drives for hours on family vacations without having to visit a rest stop (a superhuman and annoying feat in the eyes of all bladder dancing kids everywhere). Of course he does all those things, and he does them well. But those things are easy compared to some of the other challenges he faces.

Modern fathers are facing unique challenges. Slowly, the influence of their role seemingly fades and diminishes with every passing year. It has gotten to the point that the respect and honor society has expressed towards fatherhood is at an all time low. Don’t believe me? I challenge you sometime in the future to pay close attention to your favorite TV shows and movies. When you do, pay close attention to how the father is portrayed. From what I have seen, you would believe most fathers are lazy, irresponsible, naïve, destructive, buffoonish, disengaged, or some combination of these. In almost every instance, their weaknesses are highlighted and their strengths are minimal. I don’t intend to condemn TV. I love many of these shows and don’t plan on giving them up in the near future. However, it is hard to ignore the extent to which these shows will demean and belittle fathers.

Now, silly TV shows aren’t enough to warrant national panic about the influence of fatherhood. But public sentiment towards them is. There exist circles of thought that emphatically believe that fathers are expendable. Some even come to think that fathers are completely unnecessary to create and maintain a healthy functioning family. Some societal movements, purposely or unknowingly, scoff at and mock the idea that fathers play an essential role. Many claim Fathers now can be replaced easily by another mom or a system that will meet a child's needs. On the surface, it may seem that fatherhood has been reduced to some superfluous stint performed by mediocre men.

The truth is, nothing in this world can adequately replace the role of a real father who serves as a teacher, protector, and leader. Additionally, I think every child has a fundamental right to a loving father and mother. Experience has and will show the tremendous impact of a good father on his family and his community.

Fatherhood is a key element in any family. As such, I think it is reasonable to say that sustaining and maintaining the ideals of fatherhood is a family responsibility. Families work together to uplift and edify one another. Mothers and children don’t need to leave dad to bear the burden alone. In fact, both have unique obligations to help dad with his needs.

Wives:

1. Let him offer you service. Your husband needs to opportunity to exercise their abilities as a father. Doing so empowers them and helps them improve as a person. A lack of those opportunities can lead to feelings of inadequacy and uselessness. Don’t interpret your husband’s desire to suggest solutions as a desire for dominance. Rather, see it for what it really is: the desire to help you and make you happy.
2. Understand what it is to be a help-meet. I firmly believe that women are to be a help meet to their husbands. Unfortunately, many think of this to be a sign of weakness. I see it I like this. We often say, “Behind every good man is a good woman.” In reality, it is more like “beside every good man is a good woman.” A help meet does not hide in someone else’s shadow. Prior to the word’s translation from Hebrew, help- meet had deeper verbal meanings such as “to rescue”, “to save”, “to be strong”. He needs a rescuer, a savior, or strength from time to time. You can be that person. Sure doesn’t sound like weakness to me.
3.  Strengthen your own self-esteem. You are the world to your husband. Everything he does he essentially does for you. You are his number one, even above his own children. With that in mind, can you see how demoralizing it is when he sees that all his efforts to make you happy and successful have little or no effect? It becomes even harder for him when he is lacking confidence and needs someone to uplift him. He needs to know that someone strong, capable, and stable trusts him and believes in his capabilities.      

Children:

1. Ask for his advice. You will be surprised how much he knows. At some point in his life, he more than likely had experiences very similar to your own. You don’t always have to follow the advice that he offers. In some cases, following his advice would not be advisable. However, you would be very foolish to not at least seek his counsel on many important matters. Dad needs to be there for you in tough times.
2. Find some common interests with him. Dads are not mindless drones who exist to work and that’s all. Or at least they should not be. He has interests and loves to have fun just as much as you. Remember, his level of maturity may not be that far above yours when it comes to entertainment. Have fun with him. I promise that if you do he can become one of your closest friends. Dad needs to have fun with his children.
3. Be patient with him.  Dads are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Yet for all our faults, the love we have for you is near perfect. No one will love you the way your father loves you. It is something so different and unique. That being said, grant him your patience. Dad needs you to be understanding and forgiving. It is probable that he has afforded you a level of patience unmatched by any other human being, excluding your mother.

It is the little and constant things like these that make all the difference for a father. Many fathers would trade away several golf days, outdoor barbeques, fishing trips, and personal wants for the small daily things. As I said, they would rather focus on their needs over their wants. And now, more than ever before, your father NEEDS you.

 I personally am very thankful for the good influence of a father who taught me to work, to respect, and enjoy life. I have needed him many times in my life and there has never been an instance where he didn’t come through for me in some way. Most fathers I know feel the same towards their families. Take time to thank yours this Father’s Day. Do what you can to express your gratitude for his sacrifices. But when the day is over and the world moves past another Father’s Day, don’t forget what your father needs.