What Fathers Need

I have loved everything about being a father so far! It has been one of the most fulfilling experiences that I have had. The best part is… there is so much more to experience. I am beyond blessed and privileged.

This week has been a special one. Oliver and Mom are away visiting family and it has made me realize just how much I miss and love them. Life gets pretty boring when you get home from work knowing that dinner will be awful and company will be lonely. As loving as our dog Chief is, he just has no capacity for conversation beyond “sit”, “treat”, and “potty”. Not to mention, he is the worst x-box partner ever.

Such a noob!

So I am approaching my first Father’s Day ever. Naturally, everyone asks the question “what does dad want?” The list can be short or long. Some lists will include the new golf set, cheesy ties, or batch of his favorite cookies. It’s difficult summing up your entire feelings of gratitude towards the man who raised you with something along those lines. Nonetheless, most dads I know wholeheartedly accept the praise and gifts. You see, dads aren’t always looking to get recognition or daily praise. That’s likely a good thing; little urchins aren’t always readily expressing their thanks even when it is warranted. I know this because I was often one of those ungrateful urchins. No… Fathers aren’t so concerned about apparent and tangible things like their wants. They would rather you focus on something a little more subliminal: their needs.

We don’t often think of fathers in this scope. Maybe because he does such a great job at meeting our needs, we tend to think he doesn’t have any. We all might think that he has things all put together so well that his needs have long been met and sorted out. How else could he have the time or energy to deal with ours? Rest assured, dad has needs just like you or mom has needs. More importantly, his needs have to be met just like yours and moms.

It shouldn’t be surprising that Dad would have needs. When you consider all the things he faces on a daily basis, it becomes very apparent that he has needs. I am not talking about the obvious things that we think about. Of course we know dad spends hours working away from home. Of course he sacrifices time to go to our games or spend time playing with us. Of course he drives for hours on family vacations without having to visit a rest stop (a superhuman and annoying feat in the eyes of all bladder dancing kids everywhere). Of course he does all those things, and he does them well. But those things are easy compared to some of the other challenges he faces.

Modern fathers are facing unique challenges. Slowly, the influence of their role seemingly fades and diminishes with every passing year. It has gotten to the point that the respect and honor society has expressed towards fatherhood is at an all time low. Don’t believe me? I challenge you sometime in the future to pay close attention to your favorite TV shows and movies. When you do, pay close attention to how the father is portrayed. From what I have seen, you would believe most fathers are lazy, irresponsible, naïve, destructive, buffoonish, disengaged, or some combination of these. In almost every instance, their weaknesses are highlighted and their strengths are minimal. I don’t intend to condemn TV. I love many of these shows and don’t plan on giving them up in the near future. However, it is hard to ignore the extent to which these shows will demean and belittle fathers.

Now, silly TV shows aren’t enough to warrant national panic about the influence of fatherhood. But public sentiment towards them is. There exist circles of thought that emphatically believe that fathers are expendable. Some even come to think that fathers are completely unnecessary to create and maintain a healthy functioning family. Some societal movements, purposely or unknowingly, scoff at and mock the idea that fathers play an essential role. Many claim Fathers now can be replaced easily by another mom or a system that will meet a child's needs. On the surface, it may seem that fatherhood has been reduced to some superfluous stint performed by mediocre men.

The truth is, nothing in this world can adequately replace the role of a real father who serves as a teacher, protector, and leader. Additionally, I think every child has a fundamental right to a loving father and mother. Experience has and will show the tremendous impact of a good father on his family and his community.

Fatherhood is a key element in any family. As such, I think it is reasonable to say that sustaining and maintaining the ideals of fatherhood is a family responsibility. Families work together to uplift and edify one another. Mothers and children don’t need to leave dad to bear the burden alone. In fact, both have unique obligations to help dad with his needs.

Wives:

1. Let him offer you service. Your husband needs to opportunity to exercise their abilities as a father. Doing so empowers them and helps them improve as a person. A lack of those opportunities can lead to feelings of inadequacy and uselessness. Don’t interpret your husband’s desire to suggest solutions as a desire for dominance. Rather, see it for what it really is: the desire to help you and make you happy.
2. Understand what it is to be a help-meet. I firmly believe that women are to be a help meet to their husbands. Unfortunately, many think of this to be a sign of weakness. I see it I like this. We often say, “Behind every good man is a good woman.” In reality, it is more like “beside every good man is a good woman.” A help meet does not hide in someone else’s shadow. Prior to the word’s translation from Hebrew, help- meet had deeper verbal meanings such as “to rescue”, “to save”, “to be strong”. He needs a rescuer, a savior, or strength from time to time. You can be that person. Sure doesn’t sound like weakness to me.
3.  Strengthen your own self-esteem. You are the world to your husband. Everything he does he essentially does for you. You are his number one, even above his own children. With that in mind, can you see how demoralizing it is when he sees that all his efforts to make you happy and successful have little or no effect? It becomes even harder for him when he is lacking confidence and needs someone to uplift him. He needs to know that someone strong, capable, and stable trusts him and believes in his capabilities.      

Children:

1. Ask for his advice. You will be surprised how much he knows. At some point in his life, he more than likely had experiences very similar to your own. You don’t always have to follow the advice that he offers. In some cases, following his advice would not be advisable. However, you would be very foolish to not at least seek his counsel on many important matters. Dad needs to be there for you in tough times.
2. Find some common interests with him. Dads are not mindless drones who exist to work and that’s all. Or at least they should not be. He has interests and loves to have fun just as much as you. Remember, his level of maturity may not be that far above yours when it comes to entertainment. Have fun with him. I promise that if you do he can become one of your closest friends. Dad needs to have fun with his children.
3. Be patient with him.  Dads are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Yet for all our faults, the love we have for you is near perfect. No one will love you the way your father loves you. It is something so different and unique. That being said, grant him your patience. Dad needs you to be understanding and forgiving. It is probable that he has afforded you a level of patience unmatched by any other human being, excluding your mother.

It is the little and constant things like these that make all the difference for a father. Many fathers would trade away several golf days, outdoor barbeques, fishing trips, and personal wants for the small daily things. As I said, they would rather focus on their needs over their wants. And now, more than ever before, your father NEEDS you.

 I personally am very thankful for the good influence of a father who taught me to work, to respect, and enjoy life. I have needed him many times in my life and there has never been an instance where he didn’t come through for me in some way. Most fathers I know feel the same towards their families. Take time to thank yours this Father’s Day. Do what you can to express your gratitude for his sacrifices. But when the day is over and the world moves past another Father’s Day, don’t forget what your father needs.