What Mothers Need

This post has been a long time coming. From the time I wrote my thoughts on fatherhood in 2014, I have looked forward with good intentions to express equal reverence for motherhood. This intention felt like an emotional itch, one that I didn’t want to scratch it until an appropriate time. Mother’s Day naturally felt like the right time to do it.

So I waited. I waited through a pleasant Canadian summer. I waited through a challenging fall semester at school. I waited through a cold 2015 new year. However, the problem with waiting is that your memories and intentions don’t always wait with you. Mother’s Day 2015 arrived and my procrastination replaced the feelings of gratitude with feelings of regret and shame.

Those feelings have secretly dogged me for the better part of a year. The words “honor thy father AND thy mother” replayed in my mind over and over again. It did not sit well with me that I left a job half done. My mother taught better than that. So, in honor of my mother, I will take to heart her personal teaching of “never do a half-assed job!”

(Somewhere Kathi Ann Gulbranson places her hand defensively over her chest and shouts “I NEVER SAID SUCH THINGS!”.)

Okay, okay, my mom was not the cursing type. We simply like to teasingly accuse her of it in order to see her flabbergasted, yet humorous, reaction. Quite the opposite is true. My mother emphasized respect, etiquette, and polite protocol in our household. If you want proof, simply set the table with the salad fork out of place and watch how annoyed I get.

Two years ago I tried to look at Father’s Day a little differently. I wanted to steer away from the standard question we all ask around the third week of June. Instead of asking “what does dad want?”, I asked “What does dad need?” In that same vein, I invite you to reflect upon what something other than cheap chocolates, last minute flowers, or ill-conceived “Good For 1 Foot-Rub” coupons. Instead, really ask yourself what your mom needs.

One good way to answer this question is the first understand just how much you need mom. What other human being would offer cooking, chauffeuring, cleaning, laundering, medicating, consoling, organizing, entertaining, lending, tolerating, monitoring, repairing, and advising services at no charge? She offers these services pro bono, and she still thinks you are awesome! Dad’s may offer some of these services too, but they rarely achieve such stellar customer satisfaction ratings.

A family structure is the best shelter for raising happy, healthy, and responsible children. Without a maternal presence, that structure often crumbles into a messy rubble. Motherhood is the family’s solidifying force that mostly goes unnoticed. That is, unless you take the time to look for it. Each meal, each service, and each show of motherly love equals another fastening nail in the family structure. Though her deeds may seem mundane and unspectacular, they make sure the walls stay up and the roof stays put.

That seems like a lot of responsibility, and it is. Children need their mothers more than anyone needs anybody. However, mom has some needs too. Carelessness and apathy are not enough to excuse us from meeting those needs. We need her so very much. But you might be surprised at how much she needs us too. Consider the following needs and see how you are meeting them:

Husbands:

1. Treat her kids well. There is no treasure more precious to a mother than the children that she bears. By virtue of having carried your children for months, she likely knows them better than you ever will. She knows their mind because she was the first to shape it. She knows their heart because she was the first to feel it. She knows their soul because she was the first to sense it. She loves her children deeply and unconditionally. By showing your love for her children, you will bring the harmony of family to a full circle. By showing antipathy towards them, you will bring it to a full stop.

2. Recognize her efforts. Mothers are not looking for ticker tape parades or prestigious ceremonies of merit. No, she wants something more subtle, but more meaningful. She wants your recognition. Thoughtful and sincere compliments will go a long way in showing your love and appreciation for her. She is your help-meet, and as such she helps you meet your potential in ways that you may not fully understand. She understands that your success means her success. Your happiness means her happiness. She needs to be acknowledged frequently and considerately for the contributions that she makes.

3. Make time for her. Time is one of the most valuable, yet limited, resources available to mom. Yet, in spite of those limitations, she chooses to spend her time in service of you and her children. Few things will convey your love and appreciation more than the giving of time. And, I don’t mean simply making time for dating, or quality one on one time. Making time could mean watching kids in order to make her some personal time. Making time could mean encouraging her to spend her time in clubs, teams, or groups. Making time for mom allows her the opportunity to sharpen her wits, improve her talents, and empower her character. When you consider how this might be beneficial to you and your family, this is kind of a no brainer. Mom needs time, and you can make time for her.

Children:

1. Get along with your siblings. Everything that your mother does is for the sake of harmony and peace in the home. That purpose perfectly sums up your mother’s motivations and desires. Some mothers will achieve this in different ways. Some mothers focus on providing timely meals or maintaining clean homes. Other mothers seek harmony through personal time or quiet spaces. Any way you slice it, mom needs to fulfill her goal of creating harmony. Nothing destroys harmony quicker than contention. When you contend with your brothers or sisters, think about what that might do to your mother. Imagine how it might make her feel. She would undoubtedly feel a sense of failure and misery. Therefore, make sincere efforts to get along with your siblings. Work things out in a civil and productive fashion. In doing so, you will contribute to the harmonious atmosphere that your mom so badly desires.

2. Let her love you. I know this might sound strange, but sometimes you have to let mom do her job. You need to learn things for yourself and pursue a path of individualism. But keep this in mind: your goals and paths may change, but her love for you does not. Accept each hug with grace. Consume each meal with gratitude. Receive each lesson with humility. Give your mother opportunities to express her love for you. She needs you to know how much she loves you. Admit it, you need that too.

3. Look beyond the mantle of maternity. Here is a real challenge for you. It is hard to see mom for anything but the awkwardly loving and occasionally overbearing parent. Sure, she picks the worst time to use terms of endearment. And yes, she has a knack for embarrassing you in front of company. However, your mom is not just a mom. Once you get to know her, you might be surprised to see that she might just be cool. For instance, my mother is not just a mom. She is a scholar. She is one of the brightest intellectuals I know. She understands history better than most collegiate professors. She also knows a thing or two about good music. Thanks to her, I know the Everly Brothers, Neil Diamond, Dion & The Belmonts, and many more. My mother happens to be one of the coolest people I know. In fact, I credit her with my desire to write, to debate, and to seek learning. She also happens to be a fantastic friend.

I know this all seems a little presumptuous. After all, I am not a mother and I have zero intentions to become one. This biological limitation could very well disqualify me from making an accurate opinion on the needs of women. Making assumptions as to what women need is a dangerous and volatile territory to navigate. Nevertheless, I stand by what I have said. Mothers need these things now more than ever.

I love my mother! I am so grateful for her encouragement, her understanding, and her propensity to love. Her efforts as a mother have not been easy, but they also have not gone unnoticed. She, like so many women, have needs that must be met. So today I encourage you to go above and beyond the glitter-glue cards and sheepish hugs. For today, go ahead and give her what she wants. But don’t forget to give her what she needs.