Gratitude

American author, and self-help professional Melody Beattie had this to say about gratitude:

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."

Roman statesman Cicero explained that "gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others." As we enter this season of thanksgiving, we should consider our understanding of this virtue and the role it plays in our lives.

We are re-entering a season of gratitude, and our thoughts and hearts should be turning towards more positive and thankful things. 2020 has not been a particularly kind year to many folks. The world still finds itself in the midst of a confusing pandemic, there is political change on the horizon, and a great many folk have endured hardships and maltreatment to degrees they never thought were possible. Still, for others, these struggles pale in comparison to their experience. To make matters worse, the tribulation and suffering endured too often comes at the hands of people whose intent is not to heal hearts, solve problems, or edify their world around them. There is much over which we can be disheartened.

But we ought to take courage instead. Courage for ourselves, courage for our friends, courage for our family, and courage for our future. We know what we have endured, but we don't know what's in store. That may prove scary for some, but the future is unknown. It is unwritten. If you can trust in and take heart over one thing, it should be this: you are the author of that future.

Our hope for the future links directly to a desire for change; we don't like where we are at, and it is high time that we find ourselves in better circumstances. For over a year now, that has been my attitude. So we grind, and we gruel, and we force upon ourselves discipline in the hope that something has to give, and give quickly. Then, we are disappointed when our goals aren't achieved, or the righteous desires of our heart are unfulfilled. This is often a breaking point for many individuals; they're at the end of their rope, unheard, maligned, and unsettled. However, for others, something miraculous occurs where a breaking-point becomes a making-point. 

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new." - Socrates

I found this quote a couple weeks back, and it has stuck with me for some time. As a builder, I know that the best earth upon which to build a foundation is hard, rocky, and yes... a little dirty. When we reach our lowest point, we should ask ourselves: "is there really a better place to build than rock-bottom?"

If you are at rock-bottom, congratulations! No seriously! I say this with no degree of facetiousness. You're here. Lets get building the new. Don't waste your time looking down in the dirt. Look up. Look around. Look at what you intend to build. Above all, look at what you got, and what you have to look forward to.

I don't know how coincidental the timing of the Thanksgiving season is, but I must say it is fortuitous. If hitting rock bottom is the discovery of the perfect real estate for your new life project, then gratitude is the first great step towards planning your build and establishing your scope of work.

Gratitude can mean so many things for so many people. Everyone's experiences with it will vary. Not everyone has the same vision; the same goals, ambitions, or values. This much I believe: that many people don't truly grasp it's impact on their lives, and none of us exercise it to it's full extent.

In light of my personal experiences, and acknowledging my limited knowledge of the subject, here is what I understand of gratitude:

Gratitude is an acceptance of what was.

We experience gratitude frequently through our review of things past. Gratitude is the expression of relief in the aftermath of difficulty. It is the remembrance of the progress that we have made. It is the recognition of virtue we have gained; or shackles we have dropped. Gratitude shapes the syllabus from which we ultimately learn from our past.

For some, acceptance of what was can be difficult. We may struggle making sense of our lives once lived and our experiences once endured. We tend to relive injustice, injury, and inconvenience. Reflecting on such things is normal, even necessary for a better understanding of ourselves and our environment. However, we must take care not to spur on feelings of contempt and frustration. Rather, we should recall our past with thankfulness for experiences both good and bad.

Without a thankful perspective of the past, we have no hope of adjusting to the challenges of the future, nor appreciating the circumstances of the present.

Gratitude is an appreciation of what is; a positive acknowledgement of where we are.

But what if where we are is no positive place at all? What of those instances where we unduly endure the influence of deprivation, scarcity, and maltreatment? Some in our midst find themselves grappling with some of the more difficult circumstances of the mortal experience. How should we think during hardships where looking beyond one week, one day, or even one hour, proves difficult, if not impossible? How could gratitude possibly pull us from the mire of misery?

With great reverence and empathy towards those experiencing devastation and destitution, may I be so bold as to recommend that we chose gratitude over griping? Grace over grievance?

"Easier said than done!" we might say. When facing even minor challenges, my own attitude defaults to defensiveness. To express gratitude through tribulation is a tough pill to swallow. But swallow it we must, if we are to qualify ourselves for the blessings that we so desperately need.

Of course, we ought not to discount or discredit our pain or angst. They are real. They are debilitating. In many circumstances they cripple and scar us mentally, emotionally, and even physically. They are serious. But equally serious are the promises that Heavenly Father has made:

"Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life..." (James 1:12)

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)

"Blessed are the meek; for they shall inherit the earth." (Matthew 5:5)

"Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 5:10)

"...[D]ispute not, because you see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." (Ether 12:6)

Doctrine & Covenants 103:12 further explains "For after much tribulation... cometh the blessing."

With intense sincerity and bluntness, Heavenly Father braces us for the expectation of much tribulation. However, he does so with a promise: relief will come.

Scarcity itself can lead to an increased sense of gratitude. Allow me to demonstrate:

Right now, even as I am writing this, Oliver has joined me in the office. He wakes up earlier than Henry and Charlotte, and we often spend some undisturbed time together while the house is quiet. This year has been a rough one for our family. Divisiveness and contention have created an unfortunate norm which ultimately forced upon us a scarcity of time spent together. While I indeed struggle with emotional upheaval in the form of resentment and disgust, I feel astonished at the peace that accompanies an attitude of gratitude. When I look upon Oliver sitting in the soft leather chair, curled up with his blanket, asleep with  at 7:04 AM on a Sunday morning, I am overcome with peace and appreciation. The appreciation comes not from an abundance of that which I value so dearly, rather from a scarcity of it. There is truth in the proverb stating "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

So we ask the question again: How does gratitude pull us from the mire of misery? Gratitude reminds us that our struggles are but a moment; a temporary setback. If we allow gratitude to sharpen our perspective of the past, and ground us in the reality of the present, then gratitude will build the foundation upon which a bright future can be built.

Gratitude is an aspiration of what could be.

For those who can accept the past and appreciate the present, gratitude will work in their lives mighty miracles in the future. This principle proves true and consistent through scriptural history and through the lives of good people who have chosen to cultivate the gift of gratitude. Thankful hearts beget blessings, and blessings engender gratitude. Thus, the cycle of appreciation and aggregation secures for us a happy future.

In similar fashion, persistent suffering follows the ingrate. Unthankful hearts perceive only calamity, which deepens helplessness and resentment. On this topic, Scottish philosopher David Hume wrote, "Of all crimes that human creatures are capable of committing, the most horrid and unnatural is ingratitude."

Therefore, it is incumbent upon us to chose gratitude if we are to expect any improvement in our future.

This season, I am choosing to build the new; to rediscover gratitude and make the first big steps towards building a better life. I recognize that the lumps and bruises that we endure are everlasting, either for good or ill. We can turn them to our everlasting good by learning, building, and overcoming; or we can turn them to our everlasting ill by succumbing, belittling, and complaining.

Like I said, the timing of the season proved to be fortuitous. For that, I am grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happiness By Subtraction

Few subjects revive memories of torment and loathing like mathematics. When asked by pollsters which academic arena students dislike the most, math maintains the most sizable margin of antipathy above all other school subjects. How ironic that math would cause so much angst and frustration for so man, when in reality, our understanding and application of basic mathematical principles is foundational to overall happiness and quality of life.

Let me show you how.

Consider what we know, or what we believe we know about happiness. When thinking of those happiest among us, what do you see? What do they wear? What do they drive? Where do they live? If you are like most people, you likely have a pretty vivid picture of what a happy life looks like. And if you are like most people, you probably have some ideas about what it is that separates you from them. We love to compare; to take stock of what we lack that keeps us basking in the shadow of the podium of pomp and perk. Our comparisons tell us that the happiness formula depends on the things that we do not have. Often they are the things that others do have. We are baited into the belief that happiness is a matter of addition: the more you have, the happier you become.

Many companies understand this basic principle, and they capitalize on it. Next time you scroll through your Instagram feed, take note of the messages and images that show up. They are subtle, but they are purposeful. For fun, I'll share with you what I am seeing right this minute. I see a luxurious home with fine brass, warm lavish wood cabinets, and intricate lighting. Scroll down a little farther, I see couples together laughing over wine and games. A little farther; a couple sleeping comfortably and peacefully on a new mattress.

Now, lest you consider me a hypocrite or puritan, I would point out that I have no beef with effective advertising of the purchase of products. I too am swayed by a compelling ad (the more comedic the more appealing), and I certainly have enjoyed the benefits of good products and services. The greater point I hope to make is this: We are driven to believe that happiness is a product of addition.

Most of us have the tendency to think that "Once I have that (new car/new house/promotion/pay-raise/new curtains/new toy/etc.), that is when I will be happy. That is when I know I have it made." This thinking is flawed and deceitful. When our mindset focuses only the material; on only what we must add to our life, then we end up following a formula for failure.

Writer and philosopher G.K. Chesterton echoed this fundamental truth. "There are two ways to get enough," he taught, "One is to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less."

Of course, addition helps to improve our quality of life. We should add to our lives those things that would bring temporal, spiritual, and emotional well-being. However, happiness is not solely a matter of purposeful addition. In fact, I argue that a far more effective equation for improving ones capacity for joy can be found not in addition, but subtraction.

Yes, you read that correctly; happiness by subtraction. This is the great formulaic secret (though not so secret if one takes the time to really observe) that the happiest people on earth seem to have mastered. It runs counter to our natural thoughts and beliefs to measure happiness by what one lacks, and not by what one has. Thinking in this way requires a total change in perspective. One has to change their mind from the belief that happiness belongs to the one who has, not the one who lacks.

You might be hung up on my choice of words here. When we think of someone who is lacking, we generally think of those in ragged clothes, gaunt faces, and blistered feet. Lacking, we think, brings about misery and hopelessness. Who could be happy in such circumstances? How can lacking produce happiness. It might help think of it from this angle: as it pertains to happiness, it matters less that your life is lacking (in the general impoverished sense that our minds default to); it matters more what is lacking from your life.

I have encountered many folks who have lived in economical conditions far below what you and I would consider poverty. Most of those folks left an indelible impression on me because of the happiness they possessed, in spite of their circumstances. They work, they endure, they ache, and they still smile. Why? Because they lack many things that make us unhappy; things like pride, anger, greed, and entitlement. They possess an ability to subtract those things that foster unhappiness and instead create an atmosphere whereby happiness can be developed and unperturbed.

You should know that these happy folks, though lacking many negative things, do not lack problems. No matter our effort, no subtraction will result in the total elimination of life's problems. Death, illness, and loss touch us all to some degree. Mortal strife cannot be avoided. However, if we strive to subtract that which we can, then we might find that many of our self-made problems will have solved themselves long before they make an uninvited appearance.

No one can argue that calamity, deprivation, or starvation are the key ingredients to happiness. These are serious struggles we wish upon no one. You cannot subtract all needs and wants from life and expect to attain happiness. However, through moderation and the subtraction of those things that are unnecessary, unfulfilling, and unacceptable, you will stumble upon the path of happiness far sooner than if you were to focus solely on acquisition or promotion. This path does not shut itself to the impoverished, the disenfranchised, or the lowly in state. 

Researchers and psychologists can identify many common behaviors and practices shared by all the happiest people. While exploring this topic, I found no shortage of articles and "top-ten" lists laying bare the contributing factors for that happiest folks in the world. From reading and listening to a great deal of opinion and research on the matter, I feel the key ingredients to happiness boil down into three primary sources: 1) Growth 2) Perspective, and 3) Relationships. I believe that the art of subtraction plays a key role in how each impacts and bolsters our happiness.

1) Growth

American writer Pearl S. Buck once explained that, "growth itself contains the germ of happiness." Happy people focus on growth and improvement. They understand that they certainly don't know everything, and they can accept that. That acceptance doesn't preclude them from developing new skills, learning new things, and building upon what they already know. Happy people participate in cultural activities, set specific attainable goals, they exercise, they get their hands dirty, they embrace discomfort, and they maintain a attitude of growth.

You might argue that growth would fall close in line with happiness by addition rather than subtraction, and I would certainly concede that point, to a degree. What you might be missing is how subtraction serves only to augment growth; it does not discourage it.

Happy people know, either consciously or subconsciously, that true growth comes from the wise application of subtraction long before the benefits of addition are seen. They know, much like a skilled gardener, that by pruning (subtracting) away excess and unnecessary branches, they actually encourage growth. They know that growth requires that they apply the art of subtraction to their life:

Happy people subtract comfort and complacency.

They don't sleep in, stay out, or put off. They hustle, exert, and endure where others would rather not. Happy people know that without pain there is no gain. Dr. Jordan Peterson uses a quote that I love which I feel applies well here: "You don't get the gold without the dragon."

To live complacent is to accept mediocre. Do not mistake the acceptance of mediocre as equal to gratitude or peace of mind. Some are deceived into the belief that a complacent attitude is a grateful attitude. Indeed, we should accept where we are and be grateful for what we have at any moment in time. There exists no situation or circumstance, dire though they may be, where we cannot identify something for which to be grateful. However, beware this subtle difference: complacency leaves no room for growth and achievement; gratitude, instead, stimulates them.

Discomfort and hardship are raw materials necessary to build a prosperous life. A diamond becomes a diamond through a prolonged process of intense pressure and heat. A tree grows sturdier through exposure to wind. Muscle grows through exertion. Growth cannot coexist with comfort.

Naturally, I do not advocate a fanatic devotion towards depriving ones self from comfort or reprieve. Like our body, our soul too needs time to heal and recover from the effects of emotional and spiritual toil. What I seek to explain here is that happy people subtract the "good enough" attitude, and they apply themselves to worthy pursuits.

Happy people subtract instant gratification.

Happy people develop and exercise discipline. Where others eagerly spend their savings or satisfy their cravings, a happy person practices restraint. We mustn't pretend that they don't experience the same urges or even that they don't have the same desires as others. They just understand with greater clarity the principle of delayed gratification. 

Indulgence and the "here-and-now" bargain promises satisfaction and fulfillment; but every bargain comes with fine print. Few of us read the fine print. Few of us understand the true expense of the small capitulation and the quiet acquiescence. Even for those of us who do understand, we still succumb.  

The following anecdote skillfully explains the foolishness of our proclivity towards instant gratification:

"Remember today not to sabotage your future for momentary comfort and pleasure. If you burned down your home to keep warm, tomorrow you will be without a home and you'll still be cold. Your future self is just you but living with the circumstances of your present actions. Make the right decisions so your future self is in a better position than you are now." - William Mulligan

Immediate satisfaction may win you the moment, but don't be deceived into thinking that it will win you the day. Remember that self-control is self-preservation. Subtract from your life the habit of instant gratification.

Happy people subtract interruptions and distraction.

With so much external influences vying for attention, we can experience derailment from what matters most with frightening frequency. Happy people have purpose. They know what they want, and they won't allow distractions, be they pernicious or frivolous, to derail them from their purpose.

Viktor Frankl spoke wisely of purpose and distractions when he taught that "when a person can't find a deep sense of meaning, the distract themselves with pleasure." Distraction cannot derail a person with purpose. Without purpose, distraction becomes our day to day, causing us to meander and stagnate. 

"If we let ourselves," spoke C.S. Lewis, "we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work. The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavorable. Favorable conditions never come."

Distraction is an ever present thorn in our side. Some distractions are mindless and trivial, others may be burdensome and gnawing. Nevertheless, distractions exist, and always shall. What they are and when the arrive are largely out of our control. The ancient stoics understood this, and help us understand what level of attention we should pay to them:

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle. Some things are within your control. And some things are not." - Epictetus

"There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will." - Epictetus

"Concentrate every minute on doing what's in front of you with precise and genuine seriousness, tenderly, willingly, with justice. And freeing yourself from all other distractions... Stop being aimless, stop letting your emotions override what your mind tells you, stop being hypocritical, self-centered, irritable. You see how few things you have to do to live a satisfying and reverent life? If you can manage this, that's all even the gods can ask of you" - Marcus Aurelius

Subtract distraction from your life. You will be better off without it.

2) Perspective

Happy people maintain a healthy perspective towards life. Each sharpens and enhances their perspective a little differently than the rest, but they all gravitate towards activities that encourage looking outside themselves. Happy people go outside and observe nature. They sit down to meditate and reflect. They see themselves as insignificant in the universe, though not insignificant in their sphere of influence. Happy people perceive the world differently than most.

The influence of perspective on happiness increases exponentially through our ability to subtract negative thoughts, words, and feeling from our lives. Happy people know that the sun won't shine as brightly or warmly through dark and gloomy clouds. When our thoughts and perceptions are clouded by negativity, life is not warm or bright; it is cold and unfeeling. Happy people know that their perception of reality and understanding of the world is far clearer when they have subtracted negativity from their minds.

Happy people subtract lowly thinking.

My mission president once shared poignant farming anecdote:

A man walks through a pasture, traversing it cautiously to avoid bovine debris, steps into a warm steamy cow-pie. What does he do in response to his misfortune? Does he shrug off the inconvenience, wipe off the mess, and continue? Or does he lament his fortune, ruminate over the mess, berate himself for his carelessness, curse the cow, stare at his shoe-print, leave in anger, and then return to the scene of the crime to resume the cycle of regret and frustration?

The image of a man doing this seems ridiculous, but how many of us follow the path of the ruminator, and not the level-headed man? We all, to some degree or another, should identify with the ruminator.

When we brood over misfortune or inconvenience, we engage in lowly thinking. Heavenly Father designed our minds for better things. Our intended disposition seeks after anything "virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy." We are called to a higher plain of thought and vision. Sadly, too many times we prefer to keep our head down, eyes fixed to the ground, and our shoulders slouched.

Subtract lowly thinking from your life. Keep your head up. Fix your eyes on heaven, or at the very least the horizon. Lift up your shoulders to bear the burden. The air is less clear and refreshing in the lowly realm. Clear air and increased vision can found at the high ground; there you will enjoy the type of thinking you were meant to experience. 

Happy people subtract doubt and fear.

They don't dwell on failure, but they learn from it. Doubt kills more dreams and aspirations than failure ever will. For my part, much of the fear experienced in my life historically derives from things outside of my control. This has been made abundantly clear to me from study and meditation on the words of ancient stoic philosophers: 

"Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things" - Epictetus

"If thou art pained by any external thing, it is not this that disturbs thee, but thy own judgment about it. And it is within thy power to wipe out this judgement now" - Marcus Aurelius

"You act like mortals in all that you fear, and you act like immortals in all that you desire" -Seneca

The stoics have been a great source of strength and encouragement for me in recent months. I have learned to appreciated their pragmatic and logical approach towards facing fear and distress. They understood that our reaction to external events cause far more internal damage than the actual event itself. This principle was even understood, and expounded upon, a long long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

 "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." - Yoda

Yep, I just drew upon the wisdom a little green man from an epic space trilogy. Truth is truth, no matter who utters it.

It is a hard thing to understand, yet harder to actually practice, to subtract fear from your life. Life presents us with many opportunities that may strike fear in our hearts and minds, so you will not altogether avoid it. However, it might do us well to remember that even Heavenly Father has commanded, "Look unto Me, in every thought; doubt not, fear not." (D&C 6:36)

This encouragement from on high repeats itself over and over in scripture:

"Fear not, I am with thee, Oh be not dismayed..." (Hymn #85)

"Fear not: for I have redeemed thee..." (Isaiah 43:1)

"Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them..." (Deutoronomy 31:6)

"Fear not, I will help thee." (Isaiah 41:13)

Heavenly Father understands with perfectly which stumbling blocks keep us from achieving our ultimate potential. He reminds us, constantly as you have seen, of those stumbling blocks; encouraging us to avoid them. Fear is perhaps of the most prominent. Fear is the opposite of faith. We dedicate so much attention to our fear. That is why Heavenly Father advises us to fear Him. This is not a requirement for us to be scared of Him or shaken by Him. He is asking us to keep our attention on Him. He asks that we don't allow our fear to take our eye off of the matters at hand; the matters that matter most.

Happy people subtract material desire.

Happy people want things too. Given a magic wand, they would wave it like the rest of us to get that what they most desire. In that regard, the happy person is just like the rest of us, but with one important distinction. A happy person understands that there are no magic wands. An unhappy person laments that there are no magic wands. A happy person asks "do I really want that?". An unhappy person asks "why can't I have that?"

"He has the most who is content with the least." -Diogenes

I find it interesting the disparity between our acknowledgment of this principle and our actual understanding or practice of it. If you were to approach anyone and explain to them that happiness is not the result of material possessions, you will no doubt receive a "no-duh" response. Everyone "knows" this. Yet, the same person will moments later be thrown into fits of envy, jealousy, and lust for something palpable, but out of reach.

Of course, material items can contribute to our enjoyment of life. For my part, I enjoy fishing and golfing. What is fishing without a pole or a lure? What is golf without a nice driver or functioning putter? When out at the local sporting goods store, I see the newest gear and tackle and I experience the same desires as most people. Am I guilty of material desire?

I think that depends on the intensity of the desire and our ability to appreciate those things that we already possess. Intent also matters. Do you desire something because of the genuine interest it's associated experience inspires in you, or do you pursue material things to assuage a nagging emptiness? Experience, not extravagance, should be the goal. Do your material desires accomplish this?

Be careful not to pursue things in the name of an ever-elusive hobby. Some people convince themselves that they have dozens of hobbies, therefore their purchase habits must match their multiple interests. Unfortunately, these folks don't recognize this reality: the pursuit of stuff has become their de facto hobby.

In this sense, less is more. Identify your interests, then feel free to pursue them responsibly and without guilt. We exist to experience joy, and our interests produce joy. Just be wary of useless pursuits, and subtract those unnecessary ones from your life.

1) Relationships

You have no doubt heard the phrase "the more the merrier". When it comes to relationships, you may be convinced that more relationships, not less, would serve only to increase happiness. Though that thought appears to have a logical conclusion, I think you would agree that quality, not quantity, matters more when it comes to relationships. One who pursues quantity relationships sacrifices quality relationships, and soon finds that they have neither quantity or quality. By virtue of their pursuit of quality relationships, a happy person will often find that they enjoy significant quantities of quality relationships, though that is not their aim to begin with. Happy people have meaningful and reciprocal relationships.

The influence that subtraction has upon our happiness is most notable when applied to our relationships. More so than the influence it has on our growth and our perspective. Why? Because the people we surround ourselves with have incredible influence over our growth and our perspective. Happy people surround themselves with other happy people who encourage growth, individuality, and perspective. In contrast, unhappy people often flock with nay-sayers, dooms-dayers, and tall-talers. How might those associations affect one's growth? What about one's perspective? Never should we base our happiness on the people that surround us, but if we are to be choosy or picky in one area, it should be this one.

Happy people subtract toxic relationships.

Happy people inherently surround themselves with supportive and caring people. But more importantly, happy people consciously distance themselves from toxic people.

Few things drain energy or happiness like a toxic person. These types present themselves everywhere; at work, at school, even in our circle of family and friends. Identifying them presents us with a problematic task, but distancing yourself from them requires a monumental effort. Putting distance between you and them proves even more onerous if you happen love and care for a toxic person. However, if someone does not support you or, even worse, they tear you down publicly or privately, then you must subtract that influence from your life.

Toxic people naturally lean towards unhappiness. While they may have an air of confidence, strength, and achievement, they actually struggle with profound feelings of sadness and anger. They cannot feel satisfaction. They cannot understand empathy. They cannot perceive reality. These demons belong to them. They do not belong to you.

"Stay away from negative people", warned Albert Einstein, "They have a problem for every solution."

Happy people subtract ego.

A happy person doesn't allow their ego to get the best of them and their relationships. They avoid holding grudges and taking offense. This is often a difficult task to accomplish, especially when we deal with imperfect people with imperfect behaviors. However, because a happy person is focused on growth and enlightened by perspective, they will not allow their ego or pride to dominate their relationships.

Happy folks don't believe themselves better than others and they understand that something can be learned from anyone. They do not blame others, but quietly go about their business. Happy people believe as Epictetus did, that "small-minded people blame others. Average people blame themselves. The wise see all blame as foolishness."

If you have subtracted significantly the toxic people from your life, then you will have already made big strides in this regard. There are those those that will attack you and smear you, and plot against you. You will find this incredibly disturbing. For many people, enduring a malevolent campaign of falsehood and defamation proves far too taxing for the soul. They give up or shrink away from life; taking on a nihilistic and destructive view of life and the world around them. They allow the injury of their ego to dictate their destiny. Set ego aside; subtract it from your life. Instead, adopt the practice promoted by Marcus Aurelius, who taught that "the best revenge is the unlike him who performed the injury."

Happy people subtract self-centered thinking.

There exists a curious paradox in the lives of the happy. Happy people understand that their joy does not depend on external factors or circumstances. They do not base their worth on the opinions and perspectives of other people. Therefore, if one does not derive happiness from the external, then logic holds that happiness derives from internal factors. Happy people look within and they pay appropriate attention to those things outside. Even so, they are not self-centered thinkers. Such is the paradox: their thinking centers on the self, but they do not engage in self-centered thinking. The difference between these two may seem to you an unnecessary rearrangement of script. Of that I am not convinced. I think the difference, though subtle in terms of rhetoric, is significant in terms of meaning.

Thinking that centers on the self focuses on personal shortcomings.

Self-centered thinking focuses on other's shortcoming's. 

Thinking that centers on the self seeks to address personal deficiency.

Self-centered thinking seeks to reassign personal deficiency to others.

Thinking that centers on the self asks, "what can I do for others?"

Self-centered thinking asks "What can other's do for me?"

Thinking that centers on the self asks, "Is this just?"

Self-centered thinking believes the ends justify the means.

Can you notice the difference? Thinking that focuses on the self observes the world, then looks internally to understand the external. Self-centered thinking observes the world, then looks internally to bemoan the external.

This type of thinking explains the actions of happy people. Happy people volunteer their time for the benefit of others. Happy people will give more than they take. Happy people make time for friends, and family. Happy people love the truth, even and especially those truths that expose their weaknesses. Selfless introspection and sincere humility create in happy people an atmosphere that attracts friends and nurtures family. By subtracting self-centered living, happy people enjoy additional prosperity and pleasure.

Christ illustrated the significance of this divine behavior when he taught, "Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it." This is a true principle. Those who can look on the outside will learn more about who they are on the inside. 

So remember, math is not all that bad. In fact, groaning and lamenting over the difficulty of numeration and arithmetic may just prevent you from learning some of life's most important lessons. Besides, to lament and bemoan are not what happy people do. You are better off subtracting those from your life.

The Allegory of the Bitter Well Digger

There were once two feuding neighbors, who in the face of extreme hardship and drought, found themselves digging wells for water. Each had staked out a section on their own property, gathered buckets, rope, and tools, and broke ground with their spaded shovels. To the best knowledge that either neighbor possessed, the most likely spot that would yield the most water lay directly on the property line shared by the neighbors. The raw feelings of past feuds, together with the immediacy brought on by drought, created the circumstances wherein these two neighbors would endure an intense brawl of back-breaking digging and boring. The need for water, while of the utmost importance, seemed to be secondary to the need to out-do one another.

Happier times existed between the two neighbor's. For a time, many in the county had believed the two neighbors to be considerate, kind, and cooperative. But the trials of the drought had revealed hidden wounds and grievances that had gone unnoticed and untreated. One neighbor in particular felt greatly mistreated at the expense of the other. When news of the feud reached the community at large, the angry neighbor told tales of bad dealings, stolen property, and general misdeeds. Once, the angry neighbor exaggerated how the other had allowed his livestock to roam roughshod over his land, leaving behind a disastrous wake of cow-pies and mess. The other neighbor, acknowledging that a single dairy cow had indeed wandered unintentionally onto the angry neighbors property, took up a shovel to scoop up the mess left by the dairy cow. Not to be made the fool, the angry neighbor used the opportunity to accuse his once-good-friend of stealing manure fertilizer. For the angry neighbor, the line had been drawn, crossed, and couldn't be erased.

So, on the day that the well digging was to begin, the angry neighbor watched the other neighbor ceremoniously heave the first shovel scoop from his mark, placing the thirsty top soil off to the side. After a few more scoops, his neighbor stopped, removed his handkerchief from his overalls and wiped the sweat from his brow. Leaning on his shovel, he beheld the angry neighbor digging furiously, one scoop after another, only a few short feet away from his well. The race to the bottom had begun.

So heated was the feud, that it had devolved into literal mudslinging. Back and forth, one neighbor would take one shovel full of dirt, and toss it back at the other in a fit of anger, causing great annoyance and discomfort for the other. The feud continued for a time, and little was accomplished on account of each neighbors hole being filled with the other neighbors dirt.

One day, the angry neighbor exerted great effort into tossing his dirt to the others property. The bitter neighbor worked so furiously and so intently, he was slow to notice that other had ceased digging altogether. The realization produced a audible scoff of pride from the bitter neighbor. He had imagined that by his own great effort and ability, he had scored another victory. For a brief time, the angry neighbor felt a sense that justice was being served. The feeling was enough, that he left his hole for the day and took to the streets to boast of his victory.

But the angry neighbor's mind deprived him of rest. That night, he lay awake considering what conspiracy the other neighbor was likely involved in. Had the other neighbor really given up? Victory seemed too easy. Too convenient. The angry neighbor looked out the window to see if his treacherous friend had made any progress on his well. He hadn't. In fact, all the tools had been taken away, leaving only the open hole and a trio of dry dirt mounds surrounding it. Unconvinced, the angry neighbor imagined that they would return, likely with a machine to carry on the work. Such a move would certainly turn the tide against him. The thought angered him, and the bitter neighbor grew more bold and more intense. They thought, if they could continue fervently digging while the neighbor would not, they just might gain the upper hand and bury his neighbor, if not literally then figuratively.

Ignoring his tired body, the bitter neighbor put on his coveralls, grabbed his gloves, and raced outside to continue to the digging. Down the bitter neighbor dug, shovel after shovel, bucket after bucket; paying little heed to anything else but the burning desire to outdo and out-dig. So passionate was the bitter neighbor, that they worked day and night. No breaks. No sleep. No time for other duties. He found no water, but that did not matter. All that mattered was the shovel, the dirt, and the thirst for dominance. 

Exhausted and over-exerted, the bitter neighbor finally paused, certain that they had finally gained the upper hand. For the first time, he had noticed just how deep he had delved. Looking up, he could see light, but only a weak ray of sunlight had reached him in the depths. So furiously had he dug, he neglected to provide himself a means of escape. For the first time, he noted how cold he felt. The sweat from his intense effort weighed heavy on his shirt, and turned colder on his skin as the dwindling sunlight signaled the inevitable shift from day to night.

The angry neighbor called out for help, at first nervously, and then frantically. So deep was the hole he had dug, and so high were the surrounding berms of excavated dirt, that no one could hear his cries for help. With his cries unanswered, his thoughts grew even more angry and more desperate:

Certainly his treacherous neighbor would have heard him.

Such an awful neighbor, that he would not have the decency to help him. 

It was his neighbor's fault to begin with.

How glad he was to no longer be friends with such a evil monster.

His intense anger and frustration did nothing to remove the harrowing sense of loneliness which overwhelmed him. What the bitter neighbor had not known, was that the other had given up on the feud altogether, leaving behind his hole in favor of a better location. Had the other neighbor wished to help, it would have been impossible for them to hear the angry neighbor's cry. It is unlikely that the bitter neighbor would have accepted the help anyway.

Lonely, cold, and venomous, the bitter neighbor sits awaiting rescue, cursing the very people who would be most likely to come to their aid.

Pioneer Legacy

Friends and neighbors often asked Orin Gulbranson why he would gather his family and their possessions into horse-drawn wagons and trek towards the Salt Lake Valley. To those both curious and concerned, Orin’s response was always the same. “Our story is genuine,” he would tell them, “if people knew the truth, they would understand.”

Even if members of their community had known the truth, it was unlikely that they would have ever understood. The departure of the Gulbranson family might have made sense at a time when thousands of Mormon pioneers fled violence and persecution in search of a new promised land. But that unique chapter of American history was written in 1846. Orin Gulbranson seemed determined to reopen that chapter in the year 1962.

Against the backdrop of rising tensions with the Soviet Union, a controversial Cuban Embargo, and a nascent space program, 1962 America heard only minor details of the Mormon family from St. Cloud Minnesota trekking across the Midwest by horse and wagon. Unlike their pioneer predecessors who had fled persecution 116 years earlier, the Gulbranson’s were attempting to flee the hardships of poverty which had hit them when Orin became seriously ill with the mumps. The complications from his illness prevented Orin from providing for his family for several months.

Prior to his health issues, Orin enjoyed a successful career as an accomplished salesman of arc welders and organs. He was as headstrong as he was gregarious, and both qualities perfectly complimented his imposing and hefty figure. His wife Mabel was his exact opposite. She had a fragile appearance. She was far more docile, and far more modest. While Orin enjoyed the spotlight, Mabel felt more comfortable behind the scenes.

Orin recovered from his health issues, but not before the family had exhausted their savings and lost their house and car to the bank. All that remained were some basic household possessions, a small buggy wagon they took to church, and the horses they hitched to that wagon. The family managed to survive that winter of 1961 on a daily diet of cooked wheat and beans. The task to provide for the family fell to my father – 15 year-old Melville and his 13 year-old brother Danny. They took charge of Orin’s fledgling riding stable business and made what money they could, in spite of the bitter Minnesota cold. However, their efforts did little to meet the needs of the family of ten. Their prolonged basic diet made even more family members ill. Conditions wouldn’t improve until a neighbor overheard an innocent conversation between one of the younger Gulbranson girls and the other neighborhood girls, in which she divulged some of the family struggles. At that point, the neighbors quickly stepped in to help the family.

It was after this challenging winter that Orin began thinking in early spring about a fresh start for his family. He settled on the idea that the family would move to Utah. A few years earlier a pair of LDS missionaries had approached their family and introduced them to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. Luckily, these missionaries possessed  enough persistence and charm to overcome Orin’s stubborn nature, and he began to listen to them in earnest. Orin desired to join the large community of Latter-Day Saints in the Salt Lake Valley, but the details of how they might get there had eluded him.

One evening, Orin gathered the family and proposed to sell the family’s beloved horses to raise enough money for the purchase of a car. His children passionately protested. In what seemed like a joke at the time, Orin suggested that they hitch up the horses and wagons instead. Much to Mabel’s surprise and alarm, the children took to that idea with great excitement. The children thought this would be an adventure much like the ones experienced by Ward Bond, Robert Horton, and Frank McGrath of the popular Wagon Train TV show. Mabel was less enthused, but she trusted Orin enough to support the plan.

The family worked feverishly that spring to prepare for the journey. They patched jeans, greased wheels, fixed harnesses, repaired canvases, and packed all their possessions. On the day of departure, reporters and well wishers lined the streets of St. Cloud to catch a glimpse of the Family Wagon Train rolling west.

One article from the St.Cloud Daily covered the departure of the Gulbranson’s:

WEDNESDAY, JULY 4, 1962

A St. Cloud family has selected the Fourth of July to declare its independence.

In an age when independence is linked with oddity, a sincere and devout Mormon family is traveling 13,000 miles west to Salt Lake City, Utah – by covered wagon to “start a new life.”

Mr. and Mrs. Orin Gulbranson,[of] Clearwater road, and their eight children, pulled stakes this morning and set off on a trip recalling the days of Brigham Young, a hundred years ago.  The train is made up of four covered wagons.  They expect the trek will take about 65 days.

Today, Gulbranson leaves with $6.00 in his pocket, plus, of course, the independent spirit which he figures will spur his family safely to Salt Lake…

Mrs. Gulbranson will be cooking on a kitchen stove supplied with bottle gas.  Since the Mormons believe in storing large quantities of food, the Gulbransons have a 1,000 pounds of wheat, 200 pounds of dry milk,  a wire cage housing 15 live chickens… [T]wo dogs, one cat and a guinea hen…

Two barrels of drinking water will be carried on the wagon, and will be replenished at watering holes along the way.  Oats – enough to feed each of the horses two gallons a day – are also on the supply wagon.

[T]he summer-long camping excursion that will take them to Yankton, S.D., Columbus and Kearney, Neb., Cheyenne , Laramie, Rawlins, Cold Spring and Evanston, Wyo. From Evanston, the Gulbransons face “only about 90 miles of mountains.”  Special brake equipment is stored in the wagons for use in the high route.

Does Gulbranson think his family will make it?

“I don’t know.” [he quips], “Columbus took a chance on the water.”

Adventure lay ahead for the Gulbranson family, but misadventure was never too far away.

On their very first night, it was clear that they wagons were overloaded, causing too much strain for the horses. Once again, the family had to make more hard decisions about what would go on to Salt Lake City, and what would be left behind.

A day after that, one of the horses spooked from a passing car and bolted down the road, throwing 10-year old Lily from the saddle. Her fall necessitated an emergency trip to a hospital farther up the road. The family picked her up the next day as they passed through town and they carried on.

In South Dakota, a kind man who had hosted the family for an evening lost his barn to a fire started by one of the younger girls playing with matches alone in the hay loft. When the family noticed that 6-year old Karen was missing, Melville stormed into the blazing barn where he found her bravely stamping out embers on the ground. She was entirely oblivious to the raging inferno that had lit the rest of the barn until Melville dragged her away from the burning building.

The journey was demanding and grueling, but it often seemed that the Lord would fulfill the promise He had made to others when He said; “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”

Almost daily, a good Samaritan would offer food, shelter, and aid at a much needed time. When the family passed through Burwell, they were invited to become a feature of Nebraska’s Big Rodeo. There they made a little money joining the parade, judging the beauty pageant, and being chased around by real live Indians in staged reenactments, just like the brave folks of Wagon Train.

Later in their journey, a police officer even pulled over a passing moving truck to extort some moving blankets for the family on a cold Wyoming night. It seemed the farther down the trail they went, the closer to the Lord they got.

This fact became most apparent one early morning in rural Wyoming. When the family had awoke to begin their day, they had found that all of their horses had simply vanished, either stolen or on the loose. The family scoured the vast Wyoming landscape searching in all directions for the horses, calling out their names and praying for them to return. They could see for miles in any direction, but they could not see the horses. Concern became panic, and panic became despair. Losing the horses would have left them stranded and unable to buy replacements. In the distance they noticed a small dust cloud, probably the trail of a dusty farm truck they were hoping to flag down for help. Slowly the cloud grew larger and larger as the distance between them became smaller and smaller. At about a mile away, the family could make out the shapes of horses; their horses. The horses greeted the family happily, and not a single one was missing. The family considered this a miracle; an answered prayer from a loving Heavenly Father. That experience cemented their testimony and gave them added courage to press on through the difficult mountain terrain ahead of them.

The Gulbranson family overcame many hardships to make it to the Great Salt Lake. There they made a modest living in Draper, until opportunity called for them in British Columbia, Canada. That is where my story begins, though in no small part from the efforts and sacrifices of my father and his family.

We ought to remember that the pioneer spirit did not end once the west was tamed. Nor did it end as the Gulbranson family settled in Draper at the end of 1962. The pioneer spirit carries on in the hearts of good people who face trial and conflict with longsuffering, patience, and a hope for something better.  Your journey may be one that calls you to escape a broken family, a crippling addiction, or any other hopeless situation. The trail may be different for all of us, but the stakes remain the same. Big or small, the trail you blaze for your posterity is the legacy that they will look to. Keep that in mind when you feel like giving up, giving in, or giving out.

When Washington Was Third Party

June 15, 1775

Fresh off the Battles of Lexington and Concord, the rebellious American Colonies had entered into a conflict which most colonial citizens considered hopeless and pointless. Most colonial citizens were content to live under British rule. At the time, American’s were considered among the most wealthy and prosperous peoples in the world. The desire for independence and freedom was shared only by a small group of men and women who understood the evil of tyranny and blessings of liberty. In response to the impending conflict with the world’s mightiest empire, the Continental Congress created the Continental Army just one day before. With war just on the horizon, Congress had to answer one important question: Who would lead the Continental Army?

When analyzed from the perspective of disparity and bleakness that shadowed the Colonial cause, you would understand just how important this choice would be. After all, military failure wouldn’t just mean the end of an idealist social experiment. Failure meant a ruthless and unbridled retaliation from a powerful and unforgiving tyrant. If the colonial rebels were to lose the war, they would lose their land, their status, and even their own heads. Their success - their survival – depended entirely upon the Commander-In-Chief of the Continental Army.

Delegates to the Continental Congress nominated men whom they considered fit for the position. Most support coalesced around two candidates. The first of these two possessed an intimate knowledge of British military tactics. In fact, among all the nominees for the position, no one could boast more experience in terms of military service. When the war had become an inevitable reality, he defected from the Royal forces in order to volunteer his services to the colonies. His name was Charles Lee, and many, including himself, expected that he be named Commander-In-Chief of the Continental Army. Lee was erratic and unconventional. Historical accounts described his behavior as loutish and prideful. His language was coarse and boorish. Despite having some significant achievement, he felt a constant need to inflate his reputation with lengthy and exaggerated accounts. Still, he was highly decorated and willing to assume charge of the Continental Army – for a price of course.

The second candidate was the perfect contrast to the personality of General Charles Lee. He was a humbler man, perhaps too humble for the liking of some within the Continental Congress. Considerably more reserved and polished than Charles Lee, many thought him too hesitant, too indecisive, too “damnably deficient”. Nonetheless, support for George Washington was strong. Of the two nominees, Washington’s character fell most in line with the principles that the Continental Congress revered. On paper, the decision seemed illogical, maybe even suicidal. But in reality, there was not better man suited for the job.

History remembers George Washington as the lowly General who won the most hopeless war with the most hapless army. As for Charles Lee… I would wager you’ve never heard of the guy. In hindsight, the decision to elect Washington over Lee saved the revolution and cemented the cause of freedom in the American Colonies, and eventually the world. At the time, American’s needed to choose between the tyranny of the Crown, the crass leadership of Lee, or the principled leadership of Washington. Most chose complacency with the Crown, but for a small and principled group of men and women, the decision was made in favor of Washington. Thank God for principled decisions!

Tyranny & Lawlessness

Coarse & Boorish

Principles & Conscience

Where have we seen these three choices before?

When I consider the current race for American leadership, I can’t help but see the similarities between the choices we face now and the choices the founding fathers had to make too. Make no mistake, our situation does not look too promising. Turmoil, both foreign and domestic, seems to simmer hotter and hotter and no one knows exactly at what point things will come to a boil. The way I see things, we too must make a choice similar to the one made by the founding fathers and mothers: Do we choose the steady decay of personal liberty and freedom? Do we choose the lesser of two evils? Or do we choose principle and a clear conscience? Only one choice saved this nation in 1775. Only one choice will save it again.

Of course, this choice flies straight in the face of the “Now or Never” crowd. I have heard it over and over again. Even now, I am told to hold my nose and swallow the Trump nomination like the sour pill that it is. People that I once revered and respected have let out the cry “WIN AT ALL COSTS!” Not only do I find this strategy sad, it is downright repulsive. Those who believe and circulate this narrative belong in the laziest class of citizens. This belief is a sordid self-abnegation of your sacred civic duty to oppose tyranny and corruption. The logic dictates that if the bad candidate wins, your power stops at the ballot box. In essence, you say I give up! I give in! I give out!

This sentiment was best demonstrated in a recent conversation I was privy to regarding the concept of third party voting:

“Vote your conscience if you really think that is gonna make a difference for the world. Then tell your children the story of America and how she used to be the land of opportunity for free people…”

Do you notice the backwards assertion that America is a land for free people, yet voting with your conscience and free-will outside of bonds of a major party is unconscionable? Tell me again how much you value freedom of speech? Freedom of expression? Freedom to assemble? Such is hypocrisy beyond absurdity – reasoning beyond rationality.

I will vote my conscience. I guess in some ways my vote may not count, at least not in the sense that everyone else thinks it should count. I accept that. And when the time comes, I will explain to my kids that I voted on character, on policy, and on principle.

I will do this because I believe a time will come when I must make a bigger principled stand.

I will do this because I believe that my power as a citizen does no stop at the ballot box.

I will do this because I believe that I can help win over the hearts and minds of those who disagree.

I will do this because I believe my kids need to know that principles are important in any circumstance.

I will do this because I believe that I will have to provide an account of where I stood and with whom I stood.

Washington was the principled choice for his time, if not the popular choice. In the short term, it appeared as if he was indeed the wrong choice. The British delivered to the Continental Army one disheartening defeat after another. Many called for Washington’s dismissal. However, every time the cause of freedom teetered on the brink of disaster, Washington prevailed. He prevailed because he made principled choices that aligned with his conscience. Washington always lived to fight another day.

Even now, the cause of freedom does not hinge on a single battle. It doesn’t even end after several battles. America only ends when we cease to do battle – when we cease to fight against corruption, vileness, and tyranny, regardless of party or platform. My allegiance is not to person or party. My allegiance is to my conscience and my country

Motes, Beams, & Packrats

Take a moment to summon in your mind the image of that one person most responsible for your troubles. Who comes to mind? Is it your boss? A brother? Sister? Parent? Child? One winter, during my senior year of high-school, I would have told you it was the boy who occupied the locker right next to mine. At a time when my sculpted hair and hygienic swagger were my primary concerns, I started to presume that my locker neighbor paid little attention to minor details of personal sanitation.

Something about him stunk, though I could not quite put my finger on it. When the smell persisted, I attempted to pinpoint the source hoping that I might reveal it to him without hurting any feelings. Day after day, I failed to find the source. And day after day, I grew increasingly annoyed. It became so awful, that I began to notice the smells in class, at practice, and even at home. I hated to think how the smells might affect my social standing. I was eager to confront him about the smell, but I was unwilling to do so without the evidence.

One day after school, I returned home stewing about the problem with such intensity that I nearly failed to notice the plumber my mother had called to repair our clothes dryer. He left the house looking pale, sickly, and a little disturbed. Once he had left, I asked my mother what was the matter with him. Obviously queasy herself, she explained that he had spent the last hour unclogging the dryer exhaust. Some packrat attempted to escape the harsh Canadian winter by climbing into the warm dryer exhaust, only to get hopelessly stuck deep within the pipes. Judging by the rancid decomposition of the rodent, it was determined that the packrat had been stuck in the pipes for quite some time – about three weeks’ worth by the plumber’s best estimate. For those of you who don’t do your own laundry, that amounts to approximately twenty-seven dryer cycles, each with the potent scent of mummified packrat.

With eyes and nostrils wide open, I knew I had discovered the source

Do you still have that one person in mind? You know… the one most responsible for your troubles? The swindler? The fake? The ill-mannered? Consider for a moment your interactions with that person and in light of my own experience, ask yourself this one question: Who really stinks?

Christ himself famously asked this question with a little more sophistication when he said:

“And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” (Luke 6:41)

Let’s face it. We all possess a powerful proclivity towards finding fault in others. Equally powerful is our ability to dismiss our own shortcomings. These two behaviors always build upon each other, escalating our ignorance and curtailing our kindness. Most of us will recognize the relationship between finding fault and avoiding self-examination. But do we adequately understand the lasting consequences of unjust blaming and short-sighted accusations?

Consider the example of Saul and David:

Once considered a righteous and venerated king, King Saul of Israel allowed pride and disobedience to impair his ability to reign and govern. King Saul refused to address his own shortcomings and repent of them. Instead, he obsessed over David and his growing popularity. Jealousy provoked Saul into finding David’s weaknesses in the hopes that he might exploit them. It is Saul’s preoccupation with David that caused him to lose his friend, his kingdom, his sons, and even his own life. Furthermore, Saul’s inability to address his own weaknesses resulted in widespread division, bloodshed, and chaos.

Saul’s example might seem a bit extreme, but through the lens of scriptural history, this pattern always repeats itself. When Laman and Lemuel blamed Nephi for their woes, their misguided view not only divided their immediate families, but they also laid the foundation for a centuries-long struggle between two nations. What started as a matter of individual pride developed into a grudge, a broken family, a contentious community, and eventually a shattered nation. The seeds of oppression, conquest, corruption, and enmity do not plague the community until they have first taken root in an individual’s own heart. Furthermore, these seeds do not take root in an individual’s heart unless they are inclined to find their neighbor’s motes whilst ignoring their own beams.

There exists an old tune that titled Let Each Man Learn to Know Himself. It goes as follows:

Let each man learn to know himself;

To gain that knowledge let him labor,

Improve those failings in himself,

Which he condemns so in his neighbor.

How lenient our own faults we view,

And consciences voice adeptly smother,

Yet, oh, how harshly we review,

The self-same failings in another.

Example sheds a genial ray,

Which oft-times men are apt to follow;

So first improve yourself today,

And then improve your friends tomorrow.

If you really want to make a difference in your marriage, your family, and your community, then we must make a serious effort to be our best selves while at the same time make an honest effort to see the best in others.

Of course there are those situations where the exercise of righteous judgment is still necessary. You can't just ignore or dismiss unrighteous behavior. Evil will always be evil, and good must be called good. However, even in many of these circumstances, the exercise of self-examination will accomplish more than simply accusing and condemning others. By taking the path of introspection and self-improvement, whether you are right or wrong, you will always arrive at a better place.

Hopefully now you possess a better understanding about how our obsession with fault and blame holds us back as individuals and communities. And hopefully you forgive me for the blatant irony in my attempt to write about this topic. It is hardly my intention to point out a mote in your eye. If  anything, my aim here is to highlight the observations I have made while attempting to explore my own struggles with introspection and self-improvement. If you will allow it, I would like to share some of my observations about how we might best overlook the mote in our neighbor's eye and how me might best address the beam in our own eye. Maybe one of these suggestions will ring true for you as they have for me.

Serve and Be Served

One useful tool we can utilize in our efforts to better see ourselves is the act of service. There are few things that facilitate the feelings of empathy and care more than the act of service. Walking a mile in someone else's shoes often allows us to see the world from someone else's perspective. Being a helpful presence in the life of someone in need not only removes the beam from our own eye, but it often helps us understand the mote in another’s. But equally important to serving others is allowing others to serve us.

Following my two years of missionary service overseas, I moved to Utah to begin my first semester of school at Utah Valley University. The move prompted a number of changes, but I was nonetheless eager to get on with the next chapter of life. As winter approached, I never gave thought to the changing conditions of the roads. After all, I had left Canada with an impeccable driving record in spite of the ice and snow that plagued Canadian roads. I figured that a mild winter in Utah County would be exactly that…mild.

One thing I failed to consider was the entirely inadequate winter performance of my recently purchased Kia Optima sedan. I had managed well for most of the winter with no incident, but one ill-advised u-turn placed me and my car in an icy curbside trap. In an effort to spare my pride, I spun my wheels to no avail. In my rearview mirror, I noticed a large jacked up truck pulling up behind me. When it stopped, two denim clad cowboy figures emerged from the cab and approached my bumper. I had judged that by the smile on their face, they likely shared a good laugh about the soggy slacked city slicker who had just hit the ditch in front of them. Pity obviously got the best of them and they decided to help push the poor chump out.

I will admit to being less than enthused about receiving their help. My manly image was clearly in question. I wanted to protest that I, like them, was a macho country man who could handle trucks, tractors, and winter conditions with the best of them. I never did say much to them besides a superficial “thank you”. I look back now and understand that I viewed my rescuers through a lens of pride and ego. Even more disturbing to me, is that I allowed my pride to conjure up a false accusation that these kind men were the ones being prideful. I still feel great regret over my attitudes that day.

By not accepting the service of others, you only stifle their opportunity to develop spiritually and you unwittingly create an increasingly jaded opinion of them. But if you allow others to serve you, you provide them an opportunity to grow and you provide yourself with an opportunity to view them in a different, more favorable, light. Accepting help graciously allows us to remove the beam in our eye and also diminish the mote in the eye of another.

Consider the Advice of Others

If you feel that you possess an incredible gift for identifying important improvements for others, you can surely count on someone else identifying what areas of life you might improve on! The moral and spiritual responsibility to grow and improve is ours and ours alone. That being said, if we are indeed serious about becoming our best self, you don't have to do so without help. All of us, to some degree, enjoy the company of good and honorable people. If we are truthfully interested in improving ourselves and the world around us, we must listen closely to those people who have a genuine interest in our well-being.

Accepting the advice of others can be a major stumbling block for many of us. Often times, our interpretation of another’s words, actions, or even inaction, can boil our emotions like heat boiling a pot of water; simmering hotter and hotter until it all boils over and someone ends up burnt. Unless we handle such situations with maturity and a healthy dose of trust, we will end up feeling betrayed and scorned. But if we understand the source of criticism and trust the sincerity behind it, then we can use the gentle criticisms of other's to improve ourselves and our relationships.

Don’t Do the Easy Thing

Perhaps the best way identify and remove the beam from our eye is to avoid doing the easy thing. Finding fault is easy. Blaming others is easy. Being the victim is easy. Human nature dictates that we seek to do the easy thing, especially in the business of motes and beams. Most of us find the process of self-examination to be an incredibly difficult task. Few things cause more discomfort than realizing that our misery and misfortune are actually the result of our own imperfections AND NOT the imperfections of others.

Theodore Roosevelt once quipped that “if you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t be able to sit for a month.” This statement is both comical and insightful. Recognizing our deficiencies hurts, especially if we determine that we might actually be that person responsible for our own hardships. That might be the hardest pill to swallow, until we then we understand that the only person standing between us and our happiness is indeed our self. Coming to this realization is hard. So hard, that many of us choose to do the easy thing instead: place the responsibility squarely on the shoulders of someone else.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf illustrated this struggle pointedly with another scriptural example.

“It was our beloved Savior’s final night in mortality, the evening before He would offer himself a ransom for all mankind. As he broke bread with His disciples, He said something that must have filled their hearts with great alarm and deep sadness. ‘One of you shall betray me,’ He told them.”

“The disciples didn’t question the truth of what He said. Nor did they look around, point to someone else, and ask, ‘Is it him?’

“Instead, they were exceedingly sorrowful, and began every one of them to say unto him, “Lord, is it I?”

In a moment when asking ‘Is it him?’ might have seemed entirely appropriate, the early disciples instead asked the harder question: “Lord, Is it I?”

Though it is not the easy path, asking the question “Is it I?” will lead us down the path of wisdom, personal mastery, and lasting change.

It takes real courage and true grit to look at yourself and admit fault. I am hopeful that we might all do better to remove the beam from our own eye while

minimize the mote in the eye of another. If, during your interactions with your family and friends, you smell a rat, don’t just follow your nose or go off a gut feeling. Avoid looking for the nearest, baddest, and smelliest rodent you can think of. Instead, consider what things are within your power to change and then change them.