The Contemptuous Spirit

On the evening of January 19, 2019, millions of Americans tuned in to major television networks for their daily dose of current events. With political and societal tensions at an all time high, one particular story seemed to capture perfectly the unfortunate condition of the ongoing political and civil discourse.

Broadcasting a number of condensed video clips popularized through social media, Americans witnessed an uncomfortable confrontation between what appeared to be a raucous group of high school boys and an elderly Native American activist, Nathan Phillips. In what media outlets called an "explosive convergence of race, religion, and ideological beliefs", viewers watched as the elderly stoic Phillips courageously approached the MAGA clad teenagers, beating his drum in rhythmic defiance of the disrespectful crowd of young men who had appeared to have been mocking the indigenous group through chants and dances.

In recounting the event, Phillips explained his actions as a response to escalating tensions between the disrespectful Covington Catholic Highschool students and other nearby protesters. Phillips described the student's behavior as hateful, racist, and incendiary. 

"Here are American youth who are ready to, look like, lynch these (protestors)," explained Phillips. "To be honest, they looked like they were going to lynch them. They were in this mob mentality."

Phillips described being corralled and denied the opportunity to leave the altercation. Social media snippets and still photos seemed to corroborate Phillips' experience. Many in the public arena lamented the lack of civility, and decried the shameful display of the Covington Highschool boys. 

House Representative Deb Haaland felt that the the students' display of blatant hate, disrespect, and  intolerance signaled of how common decency had decayed to sad and unprecedented levels.

"Heartbreaking." she said.

Indeed, a heartbreaking story... though not for the reasons you might think.

In the days following the ordeal, full and unedited versions of the altercation became available to the public. As is often the case in most conflicts, truth became the first casualty of this confrontation. The Covington Highschool boys were a close second.

Far from being the aggressors, these boys found themselves on the receiving end of some of the most vile and demeaning castigation from opposing activists... Adult activists. Far from seeking conflict, these boys obediently waited at the spot designated to them for bus pickup, endured a torrent of incendiary ridicule, and suddenly found themselves centerstage to a hostile smear campaign; casualties in a larger cultural battle over ideology and politics.

In the weeks that followed, harassment, ridicule, and death threats became daily occurrences. While the world at large scoffed and scorned, these boys and their families watched their peace, their future, and their security wither away at the hands of a miserably misinformed mob.

From this experience, pundits attempted gleaning some kind of moral significance or insight into the cultural and societal sickness which had produced such an outcome. In the end, that same polarizing spirit precipitating the original confrontation also dominated the analyses of the event in the weeks and months that followed. Some placed the blame entirely at the feet of irresponsibly partisan news networks. Others condemned the role of social media. Some, even in the face of overwhelming exculpatory video evidence, still blamed the highschool boys and the "malevolent" white culture they represented. Sadly,  few actually recognized the true source from which all hostility, malcontent, and malfeasance are borne -- namely, contempt. 

To possess a spirit of contempt means harboring an unholy mixture of anger, disgust, superiority, vanity, and annoyance towards an individual or group. The contemptuous person sees their target of ire as beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving of scorn. Because of its unique emotional composition, contempt burns intensely below the surface while simultaneously revealing itself in very cold, calculated, and subdued behaviors. 

A naturally complex emotion, the contemptuous spirit will look like many things:

- A casual or dismissive rolling of the eyes

- An aversion towards problem solving or reconciling

- An egotistical smirk or lifeless stare

- A cold uneasy silence 

- A smug or condescending tone from a position of authority (feigned or real)

- A duplicitous temperament craftily disguised as diplomatic or virtuous 

- A hesitation to accommodate, engage, or acknowledge

- A caustic assertion of power or status

Poisonous and insidious to its core, contempt is that deteriorating force that ruins relationships and postpones peace. Clinical research has shown that the most reliable predictor of divorce among married couples is contempt. When present in relationships, the contemptuous spirit is a signal of serious relational issues. 

Dr. John Gottman, a revered relational researcher and clinician has said that, "Contempt is the sulfuric acid of love."

Beyond the confines of the home, contempt can have devastating impacts on relationships at work, in the community, and among friends. The success and enjoyment we experience in life hinges on the quality of our relationships with others and with ourselves. Knowing this, we should take inventory of our relationships; observing to what degree contempt has influenced them and taking steps to remedy the damage done by our own contemptuous actions.

Taking inventory of my own relationship with contempt, it takes me a short time to recognize how my contemptuous feelings are made manifest. Others won't see my contempt through a rolling of the eyes or cavalier scoff. Instead, I tend to reveal my contempt through inaction. In expression of my distaste and my disapproval, I am apt to withdraw, go silent, or seethe. Although my show of personal contempt may not appear as vicious, nor as venomous, there is little doubt in my mind of it's pernicious affect upon my life at home, at work, and at large.

You see, I deceive myself into a perception that my reaction is far nobler; staying above the fray is something to be revered. After all, if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all. Right? Besides, the person to whom I would be directing my thoughts and words couldn't possibly be open to critique, constructive or otherwise. It is highly unlikely they possess the intestinal fortitude to withstand the degree of ingratitude and disrespect shown unto me. I am, after all, above all of that.

If you can see the paradoxical nature of my attitude, I congratulate you. For me, this subtle sense of superiority and vanity IS the spirit of contempt. Withholding my effort and energy serves no purpose, other than to gratify pride and ego. In doing so, my action (or inaction) only perpetuates suffering and hinderance to others (unknowingly) and to myself (unwittingly).

I may think that I am sparing myself the energy and exertion of solving a difficult problem with a potentially difficult person. But the act of stewing and brewing always manages to burn away whatever spared energy left from my withdrawal, ultimately leaving me burned up, and burnt out. And after all that, the problem still remains untouched and unsolved.

"We must endure the contempt of others," taught Neal A. Maxwell, "without reciprocating that contempt."

This is true, regardless of our propensity to express or suppress contempt through our action or inaction. We must endure the contempt of others. But that does not mean that we must tolerate it. To tolerate the contempt of others is to subjugate ourselves unnecessarily to the corrosive effects of contempt.

In his penultimate novel "Great Expectations", Charles Dickens introduces us to the orphan Pip, and we get to follow his interactions with a cadre of classic, if not colorful, characters. Much of the story revolves around an unrequited relationship Pip shares with a beautiful girl, Estella. From a young age, she treats Pip coldly:

Estella says, “And what coarse hands he has. And what thick boots!”

I had never thought of being ashamed of my hands before; but I began to consider them a very indifferent pair. Her contempt was so strong, that it became infectious, and I caught it.”

Pip tolerates Estella's contempt, and in the process provides us a cautionary tale of the damage we sustain by tolerating contemptible behavior. Indeed, contempt is a deadly contagion, and those unfortunate enough to become ill with it nearly always develop toward themselves an intense form of self-contempt. As American philosopher Eric Hoffer would point out, that self-contempt or self-hatred always precipitates the contempt we feel towards others.

"Self-contempt, however vague, sharpens our eyes for the imperfections of others" Hoffer explained. " We usually strive to reveal in others the blemishes we hide in ourselves."

Adding her own view to this topic, American writer Alice Duer Miller held a similar opinion:

"Contempt is the weapon of the weak and a defense against one's own despised and unwanted feelings" 

In this wisdom, we find a powerful and employable strategy we can use in battling the spirit of contempt. By observing and understanding the contempt we hold against others, we discover clues as to what underlying insecurities and weaknesses we are enduring in our own hearts and minds.

Using myself as an example, I can imagine that my contemptuous inaction might actually be a result of an extreme lack of confidence. When I find my work challenged, or my efforts unrecognized, my decision to withdraw and delay might be the result of some deeper beliefs that I am not capable, not relevant, or plain well not good enough. Facing these presumptions creates extreme discomfort, and so I opt for the more comfortable approach of blaming others and casting any number of presuppositions on them. True or not, these presuppositions are a projection of a deeper overlooked weakness, and they serve as the foundation for a lot of our contemptuous behavior.

Does this absolve the contemptible person of contemptuous behavior? Certainly not. We might be justified in our holding another person in contempt. Contemptible people exist regardless of our own inner struggles. Although our contempt might be justified, that does not mean that we do ourselves justice by holding the contemptible in contempt.

Irish Poet Brendan Behan hinted at this self-inflicted injustice, explaining that "whatever you hold in contempt is your jailer."

In his words I find powerful imagery. This wisdom suggests that on the other side of the walls of contempt we might find more freedom and more satisfaction in our lives. Our propensity to overcome hardship and harmonize with others depends greatly on our ability to free ourselves from that rancorous spirit of contempt. Toxic people and their reprehensible behavior have no power over us, save the power that we grant to them. Relinquishing our grip on contempt allows us to hold on to the power necessary to free ourselves and build our lives in an effective and productive manner.

Yes we must endure the contempt of others, but we do not need to remain in their presence. We must navigate the complicated emotional cocktail of distaste and pride, but we do not have to tolerate injustices without having our say or giving our input. We might have to get creative in how we say our piece, doing so with tact and prudence, but we can say and do something.

"Everything can be borne," spoke French philosopher Voltaire, "except contempt."

If correct, then Voltaire has given us a simple understanding of where we might put our collective effort towards achieving the most good. More importantly, by placing our individual energies into overcoming our self-contempt, we will likely find the strength by which we can bear all things.

By replacing that spirit of contempt with a spirit of understanding, a spirit of cooperation, and a spirit of  congeniality, we indeed can bear most, if not all, things.