Identity & Loneliness

"The primary indication of a well-ordered mind," taught Seneca, "is a man's ability to remain in one place and linger in his own company."

Solitude and privacy are important pursuits. They are necessary for self-discovery, personal revelation, and clear thinking. In fact, some of history's greatest milestones and thresholds were only crossed in the aftermath of quiet peaceful thinking, distant from the raucous noise of everyday living.

We should seek diligently moments of purposeful solitude, for those will be some of life's most pivotal moments.

The recent pandemic provided ample opportunity for solitude. However, it created conditions whereby so many people experienced intense and debilitating loneliness. That being said, a distinction should be drawn between solitude, and loneliness; a condition plaguing a great many people with physical and emotional isolation.

Solitude is the conscious and deliberate distancing you make of your own freewill. Loneliness is a state of bleakness and sadness due to an absence of desired company. Whereas solitude would be a choice made by us, loneliness is more a result of someone else's choice to generate distance between us and them. This distance may be physical or emotional, but it is distance nonetheless.

It is worth noting, sometimes loneliness may not actually result from other's choices so much as from the consequences of our own choices; even our poor behavior and attitudes. These you must investigate diligently and honestly so as to assure yourself that your personal choices are not the primary drivers of your loneliness.

Loneliness is not an enviable condition to be in. It breeds discouragement, frustration, and confusion. It can be cruel and crushing. But it is intended to be miserable! It is intended to teach us!

What does loneliness teach us?

Canadian poet Rupi Kaur answered this question both eloquently and simply when she said, "Loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself."

This struck me as such a novel and profound concept. It implies that loneliness is not so much an ailment requiring treatment or doctoring. Instead, it implies that it is a symptom; a manifestation of a larger, more ambiguous problem. That problem, I believe, stems from a personal struggle with our identity, or rather our skewed understanding of:

- Who we are.

- Where we are from.

- What we are destined for.

- Where we fit in.

In a recent address at General Conference, Elder Ballard spoke on the importance of identity and the impact of loneliness in our lives.

Quoting recent research by the Mayo clinic on the matter of belonging, Elder Ballard explained that "having a sense of belonging is so important... nearly every aspect of our lives is organized around belonging to something."

Ask yourself:

What sports team fandom do you belong to?

What political parties do you identify with?

What church do you attend?

What is your alma mater?

What companies have you worked for?

We long to belong. Identity. Purpose. Even physical health. Our belonging influences each of these in unique and important ways.

In the same report quoted by Elder Ballard, it states, "We cannot separate the importance of a sense of belonging from our physical and mental health." Elder Ballard went so far as to include spiritual health as well.

Our struggle with identity remains a bigger problem than we ever supposed, and it's consequences manifest themselves on both micro and macro scales. The problem extends far beyond loneliness. I suggested that loneliness is merely symptomatic of our deeper issues with identity. I also suggest the same applies to addiction, suicide, abuse, and avarice. A major identity crisis persists in our world, with its roots deeply burrowed in the hearts and minds of each of us individually. We don't know who we are... and it shows.

Why? What could be causing this dysfunction at a scale so expansive and extreme?

Scripture I believe can give us some keen insight into why we might be experiencing a crisis of identity.

Consider the experience of Moses found in Moses chapter 1, who while "caught up into an exceedingly high mountain... [saw] God face to face... talked with him... [and] endure[d] His presence."

This would be a monumental experience for anybody; being in direct contact with Heavenly Father Himself, conversing, learning, and beholding His glory. For Moses, this would prove to be a defining moment of his life, as it would be for any man or woman.

This is such a rare experience, that you might think that only the most important things would be discussed or shared, and you would be right! What does Moses learn from this interaction with God?

God teaches Moses purpose, explaining “I have a work for thee”.

God teaches Moses' heritage, declaring “Thou art in similitude of mine Only Begotten”.

God teaches where Moses came from, stating "There is no God beside me”.

God teaches Moses who he is, revealing "Moses, my son..."

Heavenly Father gives Moses an identity.

Moses is so impacted by the experience, that when it is all said and done, and when Moses is once again “left unto himself...  [he] fell unto the earth”.

Imagine for a moment the emotional state Moses must have been left in; we are explicitly told that “the presence of God withdrew from Moses, that His glory was not upon Moses.”

Moses feels:

- Tired (…it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural strength)

- Insignificant (…I know that man is nothing)

- Bewildered (…which thing I never had supposed)

- Lonely and isolated (…he was left unto himself…)

Isn’t this fascinating? That after the incredible experience of seeing God face to face, witnessing His glory, His marvelous works, and being told point blank and outright who he is and gaining an understanding of his own potential… even then Moses could feel such emotions like fatigue, nothingness, confusion, and lowliness; feelings we all are familiar with.

Even more fascinating is what happens next. You see, when left in this state of extreme exhaustion and bewilderment, Moses is left vulnerable and exposed. At this exact moment, the adversary makes a strategic and deliberate appearance.

Have you ever seen those wildlife documentaries showing the dramatic scenes of predator pitted against prey? Predators act mercilessly and methodically, first identifying the weak targets in the herd. Then they proceed to prod, distract, and persist until an predetermined target detaches from the herd, isolated, unguarded, and outmatched. In a sense, the target loses their identity with the herd.

The adversary is no less cunning and ruthless in his approach. He understands the importance of identity. So through deceit, confusion, and persistence, he methodically works to undermine our identity.

Give notice to how Satan operates in his own interaction with Moses:

Almost immediately, Satan distorts Moses' freshly understood identity, calling him "Moses, son of man..."

When that fails, Satan turns to intimidation, howling at Moses "I am the Only Begotten, worship me."

Satan then escalates Moses' fear with "weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth" and causing the earth itself to tremble.

We read that the experience terrified Moses so much, that he sees the bitterness of hell. What is loneliness (or addiction, or depression, or any other struggle for that matter), if not a bitter hell?

Fear engulfs Moses, who just moments ago endured the presence of God and beheld His glory. Remember this! Remember this the next time fear, despair, and loneliness overwhelm you. Your experience is not that uncommon, even and especially among the most revered and influential people.

What happens next for Moses is significant. Remember, he is tired, bewildered, and feeling plunged into the very depths of hell. Even so, Moses remembers. He remembers in whom he trusts. He remembers from whence he came. He rebuffs the adversary, discarding his venomous efforts and ultimately dismissing him. Moses accomplishes this because Moses remembers who he is.

Identity matters . Knowing who you are, and knowing that God loves you, is fundamental. When (not if) your world collapses around you, and you are in the throws of intense frustration, isolation, and loneliness, you can still stand. You can endure.

With great empathy, Elder Ballard expressed the following:

"I personally feel the pain of those who lack a sense of belonging. As I watch the news from around the world, I see many who seem to be experiencing this loneliness. I think that, for many, it is because they may not know that they are loved by Heavenly Father and that we all belong to His eternal family. Believing that God loves us and that we are His children is comforting and assuring."

"Because we are the spirit children of God, everyone has a divine origin, nature, and potential. Each of us 'is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents'. This is our identity! This is who we really are!"

You may feel, as I am certain that most of us have felt at some point, that you are unworthy, therefore unable, to feel God’s love. I might suggest a different point of view: that when it comes to feeling and benefitting from God’s love, there are no unworthy persons… only unwilling persons.

Too often, we tend to question God's love. This struggle can become a major stumbling block:

If God loved us then why would he permit (fill in the blank)?

Where was God when (fill in the blank)?

Why does God allow (fill in the blank)?

No one is immune to these doubts. Though we might think it shameful to have such thoughts, I would encourage you to look to other scriptural examples where history’s spiritual giants also experienced similar feelings. Think Joseph Smith in liberty jail (Oh God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long…?), or Amulek witnessing the burning of innocents (How can we witness this awful scene?). Again, no one is immune to these doubts.

We know, inherently, that God indeed loves us. Yet still, we may not necessarily feel the love of God at that moment, or more likely we may not recognize His love. We don’t vocalize those feelings, nor our hidden displeasure. I believe no one wants to come across as ungrateful or unfeeling. But all of us (not just some of us) are enduring, or will endure, the circumstances of loneliness, loss, frustration, and discouragement. These are not ideal conditions conducive towards feeling love from anyone, let alone our Heavenly Father. But these are the natural circumstances of our mortal experience. They existed before our birth, they will exist far beyond our death, and they are present at every step in-between.

I know this might not be the encouragement or solution you want to hear, and on it's surface it may not seem very comforting. But to know this is to know also: others have walked where you walk. Others have endured what you endure. Others have traversed the bitterness of hell, heard the weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth, even felt the earth (the very foundation of their world) shake, heave, and tremble. And they did so not just once, but often times repeatedly. And they came out of the refiners fire; stronger, bolder, sharper, and with a more intense understanding of who they are.

After his own experience with the bitterness of hell, Moses again enjoys the glory of God and His presence. He sees even more wonders and workings of the Lord. God reiterates that He has chosen Moses. God reveals to Moses the power that is within him; power he never imagined he would possess. 

Moses is promised, "Lo, I am with thee, even until the end of thy days".

Think about that for a moment. Heavenly Father is telling him (and us) something very important here. Now that Moses knows who he is, now that he knows his true identity, Moses is promised that he will never be lonely again.

Similar comfort is given to Joseph Smith, who while enduring his own bitter hell, received revelation which has become one of my favorite scriptural passages:

My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

We too often seek identity and belonging in all the wrong places. Opinion, approbation, and accolade drive the way we treat others, the way we act, and even the way we think. To bask in the light of popularity can be a wonderful thing, but the experience is as fleeting and fickle as the people from whom distinction is sought. To seek identity from extraneous sources is to enjoy only ephemeral satisfaction. But to discover your true identity, and remembering it ever after, is to experience profound peace, clear purpose, and sound associations.

While you will not be able to avoid loneliness, I promise that it is within you to dispel it. Consider it a sign that you may have forgotten these important things, and that you need to re-calibrate and re-find yourself. At that point, you will have converted your loneliness into solitude and your grief into gain. When finally restored or reacquainted with new or old company, you will have done the work necessary to experience relationships more deep, pure, and meaningful than ever before.