Friendship - An Abridged Instruction Manual

This is going to be an exciting year for our little family. For 5 long years I have been working towards my degree in Construction Management. Now at last, the end is in sight. All that remains between me and my milestone is a few short months of work and study.

With every passing week, my anticipation and excitement grows for the next chapter of our lives. In equal measure, familiar feelings of nostalgia and solitude are beginning to weigh heavy on my heart, much like they have and past chapter changes. Turning the page often means leaving characters with whom we have bonded. Parting With friends is a tough process; one that makes our heart long for more time and mourn an inevitable future absence. Thankfully we get to experience these feelings, sometimes over and over again. These moments reaffirm the importance of friendship and the role it plays in our lives.

This isn’t my first parting with friends. On more than one occasion I have processed these feelings and lived to tell the tale. I have had to part ways with high-school friends, mission companions, beloved Chileans, roommates, neighbors, teachers, cousins, brothers, sisters, nephews, and nieces. Each departure is as bittersweet as the previous one. Each friendship has been a blessing and I have reaped the benefits of every friendship I have been a part of. Along the way I have learned that good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.

Friendship is one of the most fundamental ingredients for a happy and successful life. It is the one ingredient in life that adds the most flavor. Without a friend, our experiences are colorless, bland, and toneless. In contrast, having a friend adds brilliance, refreshment, and variety to our purposefully challenging lives. True friends are always there to pick us back up and get us out of trouble, even when they are the ones that likely coaxed us into trouble in the first place.

Building and navigating friendships comes naturally for many people. For others, it can be a struggle from time to time. Whether you find yourself among the former or the latter, it is important that you understand some basic friendship principles. While it would be impossible to adequately pen a comprehensive manual on friendship, I feel that an abridged version could be boil down the topic to three simple, but essential, steps. So here is your three step guide to successful friendships:

Step 1. Choose well, but don’t limit your choices

To get started on your way, the first step is to actually choose your friends. Accomplishing this requires boldness, savviness, and a healthy amount of good judgment. This is the most difficult step in the friendship instruction manual. Fortunately for you, there is some good news. You have the ultimate selection from which to choose your friends. There is no shortage of friendship-worthy individuals. These people are everywhere.

Some people are inclined to think otherwise. They feel that choosing a friend is tough because there is no selection. They blame their friendlessness on the complete absence of people who share common characteristics, interests, or opinions. Their friendless status is not the result of few choices, it is a result on self-imposed limits on their choices.

It is a mistake to be turned away by differences in age, gender, beliefs, interests, ethnicity, or background. We seem to think that anyone incompatible with us in these categories is ultimately incompatible with us. This is one of the biggest myths and mistakes about friendship. Sometimes the unorthodox and unusual friendships are the ones that can be the most surprising and fulfilling.

This principle became clear to me in my high-school years. I had fantastic high-school friends. They weren’t fantastic because we all shared similar beliefs or interests. In fact, we all saw the world quite differently from one another. We still do to this day. What made them fantastic was a few basic common values and an immense respect for my personal convictions. Despite the many opportunities, I never once faced any peer pressure from my friends to drink alcohol or do other things contrary to my beliefs. I knew that my friendship was never jeopardized because of my values. They understood me well enough never to ask or push me to do those things. These friends showed me that friendship can, and should, extend beyond shared interests and compatible personalities or demographics.

This is the foundation upon which true friendships are built. When choosing friends, don’t get caught up in choosing the perfect people who only are compatible with your interests or beliefs. If I had made that choice, I would not have befriended all the wonderful people from my high-school. Instead, you should choose friends that will respect you. These are the people that will make you a better person. These are the relationships that will challenge you. These are the friends that you will always remember.

Step 2. Enjoy their company

I know…I know. This advice seems pretty self-explanatory. If you have friends, you ought to naturally enjoy one another’s company. Why else would you have chosen them as a friend? This advice goes much deeper than that, I promise.

Now that you have chosen your friend, get to work on actually making a friendship. Friendship is more than just a conglomerate of warm bodies. A friendship is the sum of the people and the experiences that bind those people together. This step focuses on the experience portion of the friendship equation. Enjoying a friends company means that you create memories and experiences. When the time comes for friends to physically part ways, these are the single most important elements of a friendship. Such experiences permit a friendship to thrive and maintain its value in the event of long distance or sudden loss.

2008 was a monumental year for me. I began my service as a full-time missionary and I was eager to serve and help others as I had been served and helped. As is customary for LDS missionaries, I was always accompanied by another young man of the same age, every hour, of every day, for two entire years. Together we met and served the Chilean people every day, of every week, for two years. It was the perfect environment for finding friends and enjoying the experiences together.

Enjoying the company of others does not come easy at first. In my case, I had to overcome a language barrier in order to cement my friendships with the amazing Chilean people. My desire to associate and befriend such friend-worthy people inspired me to work hard to learn the Spanish language. In addition to learning their language, I learned their traditions, customs, and celebrations. My love and appreciation for the Chilean people only increased when I invested my time and focus on the things that mattered to them.

The same could be said of my companions as well. The more I dedicated my time to exploring their interests, the deeper our friendships increased. In my two years I learned more about le Tour de France, cheesecake baking, NBA basketball, soccer, and the Marvel comic universe than I ever would have imagined. Our mission experiences further cemented our friendships as we celebrated our successes, laughed at our mistakes, and overcame our shortcomings.

By the time my tenure as a missionary had come to an end, I had collected a number of trinkets, books, recipes, souvenirs, and skills. None of them came close in value to the experiences I shared with my Chilean friends and my fellow missionary companions. Thanks in great part to those experiences, I have a number of esteemed friends with whom I can share cherished memories.

Step 3. Be a friend

Above all things, be a friend. There are chances for fostering and building friendships all over the place. Look for an opportunity to make a friend. Shouldn't be too hard to find. You can find such opportunities on a lonely park bench, an empty bus seat, or pretty much anywhere where human interaction can occur.

Entering high school would have been a much tougher transition for me had it not been for people who were willing to be a friend. After elementary school, I was ready to start anew. However, trading in my braces, head gear, and glasses for a sense of confidence and belonging was not as easy as I anticipated. I often had to battle with feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. But my fears soon subsided when a few of my cousins went out of their way to befriend me. What began as a few small gestures of kindness eventually turned into lasting friendships and meaningful memories.

Our friendship was plainly visible wherever we went. Together we would herd cattle, ride snowmobiles, and do just about anything else. But some of my favorite memories occurred during the spring months when we played rugby together. Rugby is a sport that requires copious levels of physical and mental toughness. It is not the ideal place to showcase ones talent if you are a shy scrawny 13 year-old boy fresh out of his braces and dental hardware. Considering that my parents had just spent thousands of dollars to fix my teeth, I am sure that they were less than enthused to have them knocked out of my mouth. Nonetheless, I was drawn to the sport because of my friends. Due to their encouragement and protection, I felt safe and I was able to grow and develop despite my initial limitations.

Due to my physical stature and position on the team, I was often singled out by opposing players and teams. However, opponents quickly learned that cheap shots and dirty plays were soon answered with swift vengeance and decisive retribution. If my cousins saw any punches, stomps, or bites, they immediately transformed from cordial participants into rapacious punishers. One cousin would bellow at the perpetrator, and the others would grind their teeth and twitch with anticipation for the chance to settle the score. Opponents took them quite seriously too. Not only were they intimidating to look at, but they had a reputation to leave bruised bodies, airless lungs, and even the occasional broken leg (unintentional of course) in their wake. They played honestly, but they performed ferociously.

Without much concern for their own well-being, they took care of me and their other teammates. The way that they played was an external manifestation of their character and quality. They were loyal, dedicated, and selfless. Any success I experienced playing rugby is due to my friends creating a healthy environment where we celebrated each other’s successes and bore each other’s burdens. Their example taught me that being a friend often means forsaking your own comforts and interests for someone else’s benefit.

It is important to remember that self-centeredness is the enemy of friendship. Concerning yourself with “me”, “myself”, and “I” will never lead to a meaningful relationship. This is because selfish people make poor friends. However, if you are eager to engage others, help others, and simply smile at others, you will increase your chances of finding long-lasting and meaningful friendships.

Don’t approach friendship with the “what is in it for me?” attitude. People who ask “what do I get out of it?” are not suitable for friendships. Instead, understand that being a friend means forsaking your comforts from time to time for the benefit of another. If you follow this advice, I can offer you this personal guarantee: if you learn to be a friend, and you will never be without a friend.

In a short time we will have to say goodbye once again and part ways with our friends here in Utah. It will feel an awful lot like the times I parted with high-school friends, mission friends, and college friends. Every time I find myself wondering “Will I ever meet another friend like this again?” The simple answer is no. No two friends are alike. As such, a friend can never truly be replaced. But if you can follow these three instructions consistently, you will always find room for one more friend who is equally special and admirable.

I am going to miss a number of things about our time in Utah. I will miss clashing with my Bronco rivals every Sunday of football season. I am going to miss playing basketball every week across the street. I am going to miss couples game nights. I am going to miss semi-annual golf trips with old mission friends. I am going to miss witty, sarcastic, and pun-filled banter. I am going to miss group outings at Buffalo Wild Wings. I am going to miss competitive Mario Kart nights. All these traditions I will miss, but not as much as the people who made those traditions so special in the first place.