Gratitude

American author, and self-help professional Melody Beattie had this to say about gratitude:

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."

Roman statesman Cicero explained that "gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others." As we enter this season of thanksgiving, we should consider our understanding of this virtue and the role it plays in our lives.

We are re-entering a season of gratitude, and our thoughts and hearts should be turning towards more positive and thankful things. 2020 has not been a particularly kind year to many folks. The world still finds itself in the midst of a confusing pandemic, there is political change on the horizon, and a great many folk have endured hardships and maltreatment to degrees they never thought were possible. Still, for others, these struggles pale in comparison to their experience. To make matters worse, the tribulation and suffering endured too often comes at the hands of people whose intent is not to heal hearts, solve problems, or edify their world around them. There is much over which we can be disheartened.

But we ought to take courage instead. Courage for ourselves, courage for our friends, courage for our family, and courage for our future. We know what we have endured, but we don't know what's in store. That may prove scary for some, but the future is unknown. It is unwritten. If you can trust in and take heart over one thing, it should be this: you are the author of that future.

Our hope for the future links directly to a desire for change; we don't like where we are at, and it is high time that we find ourselves in better circumstances. For over a year now, that has been my attitude. So we grind, and we gruel, and we force upon ourselves discipline in the hope that something has to give, and give quickly. Then, we are disappointed when our goals aren't achieved, or the righteous desires of our heart are unfulfilled. This is often a breaking point for many individuals; they're at the end of their rope, unheard, maligned, and unsettled. However, for others, something miraculous occurs where a breaking-point becomes a making-point. 

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new." - Socrates

I found this quote a couple weeks back, and it has stuck with me for some time. As a builder, I know that the best earth upon which to build a foundation is hard, rocky, and yes... a little dirty. When we reach our lowest point, we should ask ourselves: "is there really a better place to build than rock-bottom?"

If you are at rock-bottom, congratulations! No seriously! I say this with no degree of facetiousness. You're here. Lets get building the new. Don't waste your time looking down in the dirt. Look up. Look around. Look at what you intend to build. Above all, look at what you got, and what you have to look forward to.

I don't know how coincidental the timing of the Thanksgiving season is, but I must say it is fortuitous. If hitting rock bottom is the discovery of the perfect real estate for your new life project, then gratitude is the first great step towards planning your build and establishing your scope of work.

Gratitude can mean so many things for so many people. Everyone's experiences with it will vary. Not everyone has the same vision; the same goals, ambitions, or values. This much I believe: that many people don't truly grasp it's impact on their lives, and none of us exercise it to it's full extent.

In light of my personal experiences, and acknowledging my limited knowledge of the subject, here is what I understand of gratitude:

Gratitude is an acceptance of what was.

We experience gratitude frequently through our review of things past. Gratitude is the expression of relief in the aftermath of difficulty. It is the remembrance of the progress that we have made. It is the recognition of virtue we have gained; or shackles we have dropped. Gratitude shapes the syllabus from which we ultimately learn from our past.

For some, acceptance of what was can be difficult. We may struggle making sense of our lives once lived and our experiences once endured. We tend to relive injustice, injury, and inconvenience. Reflecting on such things is normal, even necessary for a better understanding of ourselves and our environment. However, we must take care not to spur on feelings of contempt and frustration. Rather, we should recall our past with thankfulness for experiences both good and bad.

Without a thankful perspective of the past, we have no hope of adjusting to the challenges of the future, nor appreciating the circumstances of the present.

Gratitude is an appreciation of what is; a positive acknowledgement of where we are.

But what if where we are is no positive place at all? What of those instances where we unduly endure the influence of deprivation, scarcity, and maltreatment? Some in our midst find themselves grappling with some of the more difficult circumstances of the mortal experience. How should we think during hardships where looking beyond one week, one day, or even one hour, proves difficult, if not impossible? How could gratitude possibly pull us from the mire of misery?

With great reverence and empathy towards those experiencing devastation and destitution, may I be so bold as to recommend that we chose gratitude over griping? Grace over grievance?

"Easier said than done!" we might say. When facing even minor challenges, my own attitude defaults to defensiveness. To express gratitude through tribulation is a tough pill to swallow. But swallow it we must, if we are to qualify ourselves for the blessings that we so desperately need.

Of course, we ought not to discount or discredit our pain or angst. They are real. They are debilitating. In many circumstances they cripple and scar us mentally, emotionally, and even physically. They are serious. But equally serious are the promises that Heavenly Father has made:

"Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life..." (James 1:12)

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)

"Blessed are the meek; for they shall inherit the earth." (Matthew 5:5)

"Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 5:10)

"...[D]ispute not, because you see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." (Ether 12:6)

Doctrine & Covenants 103:12 further explains "For after much tribulation... cometh the blessing."

With intense sincerity and bluntness, Heavenly Father braces us for the expectation of much tribulation. However, he does so with a promise: relief will come.

Scarcity itself can lead to an increased sense of gratitude. Allow me to demonstrate:

Right now, even as I am writing this, Oliver has joined me in the office. He wakes up earlier than Henry and Charlotte, and we often spend some undisturbed time together while the house is quiet. This year has been a rough one for our family. Divisiveness and contention have created an unfortunate norm which ultimately forced upon us a scarcity of time spent together. While I indeed struggle with emotional upheaval in the form of resentment and disgust, I feel astonished at the peace that accompanies an attitude of gratitude. When I look upon Oliver sitting in the soft leather chair, curled up with his blanket, asleep with  at 7:04 AM on a Sunday morning, I am overcome with peace and appreciation. The appreciation comes not from an abundance of that which I value so dearly, rather from a scarcity of it. There is truth in the proverb stating "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

So we ask the question again: How does gratitude pull us from the mire of misery? Gratitude reminds us that our struggles are but a moment; a temporary setback. If we allow gratitude to sharpen our perspective of the past, and ground us in the reality of the present, then gratitude will build the foundation upon which a bright future can be built.

Gratitude is an aspiration of what could be.

For those who can accept the past and appreciate the present, gratitude will work in their lives mighty miracles in the future. This principle proves true and consistent through scriptural history and through the lives of good people who have chosen to cultivate the gift of gratitude. Thankful hearts beget blessings, and blessings engender gratitude. Thus, the cycle of appreciation and aggregation secures for us a happy future.

In similar fashion, persistent suffering follows the ingrate. Unthankful hearts perceive only calamity, which deepens helplessness and resentment. On this topic, Scottish philosopher David Hume wrote, "Of all crimes that human creatures are capable of committing, the most horrid and unnatural is ingratitude."

Therefore, it is incumbent upon us to chose gratitude if we are to expect any improvement in our future.

This season, I am choosing to build the new; to rediscover gratitude and make the first big steps towards building a better life. I recognize that the lumps and bruises that we endure are everlasting, either for good or ill. We can turn them to our everlasting good by learning, building, and overcoming; or we can turn them to our everlasting ill by succumbing, belittling, and complaining.

Like I said, the timing of the season proved to be fortuitous. For that, I am grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happiness By Subtraction

Few subjects revive memories of torment and loathing like mathematics. When asked by pollsters which academic arena students dislike the most, math maintains the most sizable margin of antipathy above all other school subjects. How ironic that math would cause so much angst and frustration for so man, when in reality, our understanding and application of basic mathematical principles is foundational to overall happiness and quality of life.

Let me show you how.

Consider what we know, or what we believe we know about happiness. When thinking of those happiest among us, what do you see? What do they wear? What do they drive? Where do they live? If you are like most people, you likely have a pretty vivid picture of what a happy life looks like. And if you are like most people, you probably have some ideas about what it is that separates you from them. We love to compare; to take stock of what we lack that keeps us basking in the shadow of the podium of pomp and perk. Our comparisons tell us that the happiness formula depends on the things that we do not have. Often they are the things that others do have. We are baited into the belief that happiness is a matter of addition: the more you have, the happier you become.

Many companies understand this basic principle, and they capitalize on it. Next time you scroll through your Instagram feed, take note of the messages and images that show up. They are subtle, but they are purposeful. For fun, I'll share with you what I am seeing right this minute. I see a luxurious home with fine brass, warm lavish wood cabinets, and intricate lighting. Scroll down a little farther, I see couples together laughing over wine and games. A little farther; a couple sleeping comfortably and peacefully on a new mattress.

Now, lest you consider me a hypocrite or puritan, I would point out that I have no beef with effective advertising of the purchase of products. I too am swayed by a compelling ad (the more comedic the more appealing), and I certainly have enjoyed the benefits of good products and services. The greater point I hope to make is this: We are driven to believe that happiness is a product of addition.

Most of us have the tendency to think that "Once I have that (new car/new house/promotion/pay-raise/new curtains/new toy/etc.), that is when I will be happy. That is when I know I have it made." This thinking is flawed and deceitful. When our mindset focuses only the material; on only what we must add to our life, then we end up following a formula for failure.

Writer and philosopher G.K. Chesterton echoed this fundamental truth. "There are two ways to get enough," he taught, "One is to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less."

Of course, addition helps to improve our quality of life. We should add to our lives those things that would bring temporal, spiritual, and emotional well-being. However, happiness is not solely a matter of purposeful addition. In fact, I argue that a far more effective equation for improving ones capacity for joy can be found not in addition, but subtraction.

Yes, you read that correctly; happiness by subtraction. This is the great formulaic secret (though not so secret if one takes the time to really observe) that the happiest people on earth seem to have mastered. It runs counter to our natural thoughts and beliefs to measure happiness by what one lacks, and not by what one has. Thinking in this way requires a total change in perspective. One has to change their mind from the belief that happiness belongs to the one who has, not the one who lacks.

You might be hung up on my choice of words here. When we think of someone who is lacking, we generally think of those in ragged clothes, gaunt faces, and blistered feet. Lacking, we think, brings about misery and hopelessness. Who could be happy in such circumstances? How can lacking produce happiness. It might help think of it from this angle: as it pertains to happiness, it matters less that your life is lacking (in the general impoverished sense that our minds default to); it matters more what is lacking from your life.

I have encountered many folks who have lived in economical conditions far below what you and I would consider poverty. Most of those folks left an indelible impression on me because of the happiness they possessed, in spite of their circumstances. They work, they endure, they ache, and they still smile. Why? Because they lack many things that make us unhappy; things like pride, anger, greed, and entitlement. They possess an ability to subtract those things that foster unhappiness and instead create an atmosphere whereby happiness can be developed and unperturbed.

You should know that these happy folks, though lacking many negative things, do not lack problems. No matter our effort, no subtraction will result in the total elimination of life's problems. Death, illness, and loss touch us all to some degree. Mortal strife cannot be avoided. However, if we strive to subtract that which we can, then we might find that many of our self-made problems will have solved themselves long before they make an uninvited appearance.

No one can argue that calamity, deprivation, or starvation are the key ingredients to happiness. These are serious struggles we wish upon no one. You cannot subtract all needs and wants from life and expect to attain happiness. However, through moderation and the subtraction of those things that are unnecessary, unfulfilling, and unacceptable, you will stumble upon the path of happiness far sooner than if you were to focus solely on acquisition or promotion. This path does not shut itself to the impoverished, the disenfranchised, or the lowly in state. 

Researchers and psychologists can identify many common behaviors and practices shared by all the happiest people. While exploring this topic, I found no shortage of articles and "top-ten" lists laying bare the contributing factors for that happiest folks in the world. From reading and listening to a great deal of opinion and research on the matter, I feel the key ingredients to happiness boil down into three primary sources: 1) Growth 2) Perspective, and 3) Relationships. I believe that the art of subtraction plays a key role in how each impacts and bolsters our happiness.

1) Growth

American writer Pearl S. Buck once explained that, "growth itself contains the germ of happiness." Happy people focus on growth and improvement. They understand that they certainly don't know everything, and they can accept that. That acceptance doesn't preclude them from developing new skills, learning new things, and building upon what they already know. Happy people participate in cultural activities, set specific attainable goals, they exercise, they get their hands dirty, they embrace discomfort, and they maintain a attitude of growth.

You might argue that growth would fall close in line with happiness by addition rather than subtraction, and I would certainly concede that point, to a degree. What you might be missing is how subtraction serves only to augment growth; it does not discourage it.

Happy people know, either consciously or subconsciously, that true growth comes from the wise application of subtraction long before the benefits of addition are seen. They know, much like a skilled gardener, that by pruning (subtracting) away excess and unnecessary branches, they actually encourage growth. They know that growth requires that they apply the art of subtraction to their life:

Happy people subtract comfort and complacency.

They don't sleep in, stay out, or put off. They hustle, exert, and endure where others would rather not. Happy people know that without pain there is no gain. Dr. Jordan Peterson uses a quote that I love which I feel applies well here: "You don't get the gold without the dragon."

To live complacent is to accept mediocre. Do not mistake the acceptance of mediocre as equal to gratitude or peace of mind. Some are deceived into the belief that a complacent attitude is a grateful attitude. Indeed, we should accept where we are and be grateful for what we have at any moment in time. There exists no situation or circumstance, dire though they may be, where we cannot identify something for which to be grateful. However, beware this subtle difference: complacency leaves no room for growth and achievement; gratitude, instead, stimulates them.

Discomfort and hardship are raw materials necessary to build a prosperous life. A diamond becomes a diamond through a prolonged process of intense pressure and heat. A tree grows sturdier through exposure to wind. Muscle grows through exertion. Growth cannot coexist with comfort.

Naturally, I do not advocate a fanatic devotion towards depriving ones self from comfort or reprieve. Like our body, our soul too needs time to heal and recover from the effects of emotional and spiritual toil. What I seek to explain here is that happy people subtract the "good enough" attitude, and they apply themselves to worthy pursuits.

Happy people subtract instant gratification.

Happy people develop and exercise discipline. Where others eagerly spend their savings or satisfy their cravings, a happy person practices restraint. We mustn't pretend that they don't experience the same urges or even that they don't have the same desires as others. They just understand with greater clarity the principle of delayed gratification. 

Indulgence and the "here-and-now" bargain promises satisfaction and fulfillment; but every bargain comes with fine print. Few of us read the fine print. Few of us understand the true expense of the small capitulation and the quiet acquiescence. Even for those of us who do understand, we still succumb.  

The following anecdote skillfully explains the foolishness of our proclivity towards instant gratification:

"Remember today not to sabotage your future for momentary comfort and pleasure. If you burned down your home to keep warm, tomorrow you will be without a home and you'll still be cold. Your future self is just you but living with the circumstances of your present actions. Make the right decisions so your future self is in a better position than you are now." - William Mulligan

Immediate satisfaction may win you the moment, but don't be deceived into thinking that it will win you the day. Remember that self-control is self-preservation. Subtract from your life the habit of instant gratification.

Happy people subtract interruptions and distraction.

With so much external influences vying for attention, we can experience derailment from what matters most with frightening frequency. Happy people have purpose. They know what they want, and they won't allow distractions, be they pernicious or frivolous, to derail them from their purpose.

Viktor Frankl spoke wisely of purpose and distractions when he taught that "when a person can't find a deep sense of meaning, the distract themselves with pleasure." Distraction cannot derail a person with purpose. Without purpose, distraction becomes our day to day, causing us to meander and stagnate. 

"If we let ourselves," spoke C.S. Lewis, "we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work. The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavorable. Favorable conditions never come."

Distraction is an ever present thorn in our side. Some distractions are mindless and trivial, others may be burdensome and gnawing. Nevertheless, distractions exist, and always shall. What they are and when the arrive are largely out of our control. The ancient stoics understood this, and help us understand what level of attention we should pay to them:

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle. Some things are within your control. And some things are not." - Epictetus

"There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will." - Epictetus

"Concentrate every minute on doing what's in front of you with precise and genuine seriousness, tenderly, willingly, with justice. And freeing yourself from all other distractions... Stop being aimless, stop letting your emotions override what your mind tells you, stop being hypocritical, self-centered, irritable. You see how few things you have to do to live a satisfying and reverent life? If you can manage this, that's all even the gods can ask of you" - Marcus Aurelius

Subtract distraction from your life. You will be better off without it.

2) Perspective

Happy people maintain a healthy perspective towards life. Each sharpens and enhances their perspective a little differently than the rest, but they all gravitate towards activities that encourage looking outside themselves. Happy people go outside and observe nature. They sit down to meditate and reflect. They see themselves as insignificant in the universe, though not insignificant in their sphere of influence. Happy people perceive the world differently than most.

The influence of perspective on happiness increases exponentially through our ability to subtract negative thoughts, words, and feeling from our lives. Happy people know that the sun won't shine as brightly or warmly through dark and gloomy clouds. When our thoughts and perceptions are clouded by negativity, life is not warm or bright; it is cold and unfeeling. Happy people know that their perception of reality and understanding of the world is far clearer when they have subtracted negativity from their minds.

Happy people subtract lowly thinking.

My mission president once shared poignant farming anecdote:

A man walks through a pasture, traversing it cautiously to avoid bovine debris, steps into a warm steamy cow-pie. What does he do in response to his misfortune? Does he shrug off the inconvenience, wipe off the mess, and continue? Or does he lament his fortune, ruminate over the mess, berate himself for his carelessness, curse the cow, stare at his shoe-print, leave in anger, and then return to the scene of the crime to resume the cycle of regret and frustration?

The image of a man doing this seems ridiculous, but how many of us follow the path of the ruminator, and not the level-headed man? We all, to some degree or another, should identify with the ruminator.

When we brood over misfortune or inconvenience, we engage in lowly thinking. Heavenly Father designed our minds for better things. Our intended disposition seeks after anything "virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy." We are called to a higher plain of thought and vision. Sadly, too many times we prefer to keep our head down, eyes fixed to the ground, and our shoulders slouched.

Subtract lowly thinking from your life. Keep your head up. Fix your eyes on heaven, or at the very least the horizon. Lift up your shoulders to bear the burden. The air is less clear and refreshing in the lowly realm. Clear air and increased vision can found at the high ground; there you will enjoy the type of thinking you were meant to experience. 

Happy people subtract doubt and fear.

They don't dwell on failure, but they learn from it. Doubt kills more dreams and aspirations than failure ever will. For my part, much of the fear experienced in my life historically derives from things outside of my control. This has been made abundantly clear to me from study and meditation on the words of ancient stoic philosophers: 

"Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things" - Epictetus

"If thou art pained by any external thing, it is not this that disturbs thee, but thy own judgment about it. And it is within thy power to wipe out this judgement now" - Marcus Aurelius

"You act like mortals in all that you fear, and you act like immortals in all that you desire" -Seneca

The stoics have been a great source of strength and encouragement for me in recent months. I have learned to appreciated their pragmatic and logical approach towards facing fear and distress. They understood that our reaction to external events cause far more internal damage than the actual event itself. This principle was even understood, and expounded upon, a long long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

 "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." - Yoda

Yep, I just drew upon the wisdom a little green man from an epic space trilogy. Truth is truth, no matter who utters it.

It is a hard thing to understand, yet harder to actually practice, to subtract fear from your life. Life presents us with many opportunities that may strike fear in our hearts and minds, so you will not altogether avoid it. However, it might do us well to remember that even Heavenly Father has commanded, "Look unto Me, in every thought; doubt not, fear not." (D&C 6:36)

This encouragement from on high repeats itself over and over in scripture:

"Fear not, I am with thee, Oh be not dismayed..." (Hymn #85)

"Fear not: for I have redeemed thee..." (Isaiah 43:1)

"Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them..." (Deutoronomy 31:6)

"Fear not, I will help thee." (Isaiah 41:13)

Heavenly Father understands with perfectly which stumbling blocks keep us from achieving our ultimate potential. He reminds us, constantly as you have seen, of those stumbling blocks; encouraging us to avoid them. Fear is perhaps of the most prominent. Fear is the opposite of faith. We dedicate so much attention to our fear. That is why Heavenly Father advises us to fear Him. This is not a requirement for us to be scared of Him or shaken by Him. He is asking us to keep our attention on Him. He asks that we don't allow our fear to take our eye off of the matters at hand; the matters that matter most.

Happy people subtract material desire.

Happy people want things too. Given a magic wand, they would wave it like the rest of us to get that what they most desire. In that regard, the happy person is just like the rest of us, but with one important distinction. A happy person understands that there are no magic wands. An unhappy person laments that there are no magic wands. A happy person asks "do I really want that?". An unhappy person asks "why can't I have that?"

"He has the most who is content with the least." -Diogenes

I find it interesting the disparity between our acknowledgment of this principle and our actual understanding or practice of it. If you were to approach anyone and explain to them that happiness is not the result of material possessions, you will no doubt receive a "no-duh" response. Everyone "knows" this. Yet, the same person will moments later be thrown into fits of envy, jealousy, and lust for something palpable, but out of reach.

Of course, material items can contribute to our enjoyment of life. For my part, I enjoy fishing and golfing. What is fishing without a pole or a lure? What is golf without a nice driver or functioning putter? When out at the local sporting goods store, I see the newest gear and tackle and I experience the same desires as most people. Am I guilty of material desire?

I think that depends on the intensity of the desire and our ability to appreciate those things that we already possess. Intent also matters. Do you desire something because of the genuine interest it's associated experience inspires in you, or do you pursue material things to assuage a nagging emptiness? Experience, not extravagance, should be the goal. Do your material desires accomplish this?

Be careful not to pursue things in the name of an ever-elusive hobby. Some people convince themselves that they have dozens of hobbies, therefore their purchase habits must match their multiple interests. Unfortunately, these folks don't recognize this reality: the pursuit of stuff has become their de facto hobby.

In this sense, less is more. Identify your interests, then feel free to pursue them responsibly and without guilt. We exist to experience joy, and our interests produce joy. Just be wary of useless pursuits, and subtract those unnecessary ones from your life.

1) Relationships

You have no doubt heard the phrase "the more the merrier". When it comes to relationships, you may be convinced that more relationships, not less, would serve only to increase happiness. Though that thought appears to have a logical conclusion, I think you would agree that quality, not quantity, matters more when it comes to relationships. One who pursues quantity relationships sacrifices quality relationships, and soon finds that they have neither quantity or quality. By virtue of their pursuit of quality relationships, a happy person will often find that they enjoy significant quantities of quality relationships, though that is not their aim to begin with. Happy people have meaningful and reciprocal relationships.

The influence that subtraction has upon our happiness is most notable when applied to our relationships. More so than the influence it has on our growth and our perspective. Why? Because the people we surround ourselves with have incredible influence over our growth and our perspective. Happy people surround themselves with other happy people who encourage growth, individuality, and perspective. In contrast, unhappy people often flock with nay-sayers, dooms-dayers, and tall-talers. How might those associations affect one's growth? What about one's perspective? Never should we base our happiness on the people that surround us, but if we are to be choosy or picky in one area, it should be this one.

Happy people subtract toxic relationships.

Happy people inherently surround themselves with supportive and caring people. But more importantly, happy people consciously distance themselves from toxic people.

Few things drain energy or happiness like a toxic person. These types present themselves everywhere; at work, at school, even in our circle of family and friends. Identifying them presents us with a problematic task, but distancing yourself from them requires a monumental effort. Putting distance between you and them proves even more onerous if you happen love and care for a toxic person. However, if someone does not support you or, even worse, they tear you down publicly or privately, then you must subtract that influence from your life.

Toxic people naturally lean towards unhappiness. While they may have an air of confidence, strength, and achievement, they actually struggle with profound feelings of sadness and anger. They cannot feel satisfaction. They cannot understand empathy. They cannot perceive reality. These demons belong to them. They do not belong to you.

"Stay away from negative people", warned Albert Einstein, "They have a problem for every solution."

Happy people subtract ego.

A happy person doesn't allow their ego to get the best of them and their relationships. They avoid holding grudges and taking offense. This is often a difficult task to accomplish, especially when we deal with imperfect people with imperfect behaviors. However, because a happy person is focused on growth and enlightened by perspective, they will not allow their ego or pride to dominate their relationships.

Happy folks don't believe themselves better than others and they understand that something can be learned from anyone. They do not blame others, but quietly go about their business. Happy people believe as Epictetus did, that "small-minded people blame others. Average people blame themselves. The wise see all blame as foolishness."

If you have subtracted significantly the toxic people from your life, then you will have already made big strides in this regard. There are those those that will attack you and smear you, and plot against you. You will find this incredibly disturbing. For many people, enduring a malevolent campaign of falsehood and defamation proves far too taxing for the soul. They give up or shrink away from life; taking on a nihilistic and destructive view of life and the world around them. They allow the injury of their ego to dictate their destiny. Set ego aside; subtract it from your life. Instead, adopt the practice promoted by Marcus Aurelius, who taught that "the best revenge is the unlike him who performed the injury."

Happy people subtract self-centered thinking.

There exists a curious paradox in the lives of the happy. Happy people understand that their joy does not depend on external factors or circumstances. They do not base their worth on the opinions and perspectives of other people. Therefore, if one does not derive happiness from the external, then logic holds that happiness derives from internal factors. Happy people look within and they pay appropriate attention to those things outside. Even so, they are not self-centered thinkers. Such is the paradox: their thinking centers on the self, but they do not engage in self-centered thinking. The difference between these two may seem to you an unnecessary rearrangement of script. Of that I am not convinced. I think the difference, though subtle in terms of rhetoric, is significant in terms of meaning.

Thinking that centers on the self focuses on personal shortcomings.

Self-centered thinking focuses on other's shortcoming's. 

Thinking that centers on the self seeks to address personal deficiency.

Self-centered thinking seeks to reassign personal deficiency to others.

Thinking that centers on the self asks, "what can I do for others?"

Self-centered thinking asks "What can other's do for me?"

Thinking that centers on the self asks, "Is this just?"

Self-centered thinking believes the ends justify the means.

Can you notice the difference? Thinking that focuses on the self observes the world, then looks internally to understand the external. Self-centered thinking observes the world, then looks internally to bemoan the external.

This type of thinking explains the actions of happy people. Happy people volunteer their time for the benefit of others. Happy people will give more than they take. Happy people make time for friends, and family. Happy people love the truth, even and especially those truths that expose their weaknesses. Selfless introspection and sincere humility create in happy people an atmosphere that attracts friends and nurtures family. By subtracting self-centered living, happy people enjoy additional prosperity and pleasure.

Christ illustrated the significance of this divine behavior when he taught, "Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it." This is a true principle. Those who can look on the outside will learn more about who they are on the inside. 

So remember, math is not all that bad. In fact, groaning and lamenting over the difficulty of numeration and arithmetic may just prevent you from learning some of life's most important lessons. Besides, to lament and bemoan are not what happy people do. You are better off subtracting those from your life.

The Allegory of the Bitter Well Digger

There were once two feuding neighbors, who in the face of extreme hardship and drought, found themselves digging wells for water. Each had staked out a section on their own property, gathered buckets, rope, and tools, and broke ground with their spaded shovels. To the best knowledge that either neighbor possessed, the most likely spot that would yield the most water lay directly on the property line shared by the neighbors. The raw feelings of past feuds, together with the immediacy brought on by drought, created the circumstances wherein these two neighbors would endure an intense brawl of back-breaking digging and boring. The need for water, while of the utmost importance, seemed to be secondary to the need to out-do one another.

Happier times existed between the two neighbor's. For a time, many in the county had believed the two neighbors to be considerate, kind, and cooperative. But the trials of the drought had revealed hidden wounds and grievances that had gone unnoticed and untreated. One neighbor in particular felt greatly mistreated at the expense of the other. When news of the feud reached the community at large, the angry neighbor told tales of bad dealings, stolen property, and general misdeeds. Once, the angry neighbor exaggerated how the other had allowed his livestock to roam roughshod over his land, leaving behind a disastrous wake of cow-pies and mess. The other neighbor, acknowledging that a single dairy cow had indeed wandered unintentionally onto the angry neighbors property, took up a shovel to scoop up the mess left by the dairy cow. Not to be made the fool, the angry neighbor used the opportunity to accuse his once-good-friend of stealing manure fertilizer. For the angry neighbor, the line had been drawn, crossed, and couldn't be erased.

So, on the day that the well digging was to begin, the angry neighbor watched the other neighbor ceremoniously heave the first shovel scoop from his mark, placing the thirsty top soil off to the side. After a few more scoops, his neighbor stopped, removed his handkerchief from his overalls and wiped the sweat from his brow. Leaning on his shovel, he beheld the angry neighbor digging furiously, one scoop after another, only a few short feet away from his well. The race to the bottom had begun.

So heated was the feud, that it had devolved into literal mudslinging. Back and forth, one neighbor would take one shovel full of dirt, and toss it back at the other in a fit of anger, causing great annoyance and discomfort for the other. The feud continued for a time, and little was accomplished on account of each neighbors hole being filled with the other neighbors dirt.

One day, the angry neighbor exerted great effort into tossing his dirt to the others property. The bitter neighbor worked so furiously and so intently, he was slow to notice that other had ceased digging altogether. The realization produced a audible scoff of pride from the bitter neighbor. He had imagined that by his own great effort and ability, he had scored another victory. For a brief time, the angry neighbor felt a sense that justice was being served. The feeling was enough, that he left his hole for the day and took to the streets to boast of his victory.

But the angry neighbor's mind deprived him of rest. That night, he lay awake considering what conspiracy the other neighbor was likely involved in. Had the other neighbor really given up? Victory seemed too easy. Too convenient. The angry neighbor looked out the window to see if his treacherous friend had made any progress on his well. He hadn't. In fact, all the tools had been taken away, leaving only the open hole and a trio of dry dirt mounds surrounding it. Unconvinced, the angry neighbor imagined that they would return, likely with a machine to carry on the work. Such a move would certainly turn the tide against him. The thought angered him, and the bitter neighbor grew more bold and more intense. They thought, if they could continue fervently digging while the neighbor would not, they just might gain the upper hand and bury his neighbor, if not literally then figuratively.

Ignoring his tired body, the bitter neighbor put on his coveralls, grabbed his gloves, and raced outside to continue to the digging. Down the bitter neighbor dug, shovel after shovel, bucket after bucket; paying little heed to anything else but the burning desire to outdo and out-dig. So passionate was the bitter neighbor, that they worked day and night. No breaks. No sleep. No time for other duties. He found no water, but that did not matter. All that mattered was the shovel, the dirt, and the thirst for dominance. 

Exhausted and over-exerted, the bitter neighbor finally paused, certain that they had finally gained the upper hand. For the first time, he had noticed just how deep he had delved. Looking up, he could see light, but only a weak ray of sunlight had reached him in the depths. So furiously had he dug, he neglected to provide himself a means of escape. For the first time, he noted how cold he felt. The sweat from his intense effort weighed heavy on his shirt, and turned colder on his skin as the dwindling sunlight signaled the inevitable shift from day to night.

The angry neighbor called out for help, at first nervously, and then frantically. So deep was the hole he had dug, and so high were the surrounding berms of excavated dirt, that no one could hear his cries for help. With his cries unanswered, his thoughts grew even more angry and more desperate:

Certainly his treacherous neighbor would have heard him.

Such an awful neighbor, that he would not have the decency to help him. 

It was his neighbor's fault to begin with.

How glad he was to no longer be friends with such a evil monster.

His intense anger and frustration did nothing to remove the harrowing sense of loneliness which overwhelmed him. What the bitter neighbor had not known, was that the other had given up on the feud altogether, leaving behind his hole in favor of a better location. Had the other neighbor wished to help, it would have been impossible for them to hear the angry neighbor's cry. It is unlikely that the bitter neighbor would have accepted the help anyway.

Lonely, cold, and venomous, the bitter neighbor sits awaiting rescue, cursing the very people who would be most likely to come to their aid.