On Selfishness

A full schedule of work and school can take its toll on you. Sometimes you need to take some time and take a load off. Usually, I prefer to do something athletic like play basketball or football. Lately I have dabbled in the game of soccer. Interest following the world cup finally inspired me to buy my own cleats and try it out. I brushed off the warnings from my family that a Gulbranson is not made for the world of soccer and started to play. I love it! I have a hard time watching it on TV sometimes, but it is a lot of fun to play! Unfortunately for me, the warnings regarding Gulbranson soccer ineptitude proved quite true.

One avulsion fracture later, I was confined to indoor entertainment. For me that takes the form of video games. I particularly like games with intriguing stories. Naturally, I can get pretty caught up in a game and become oblivious to my surroundings. So when Kara was working like a busy bee on her small business and needed help with smaller items like cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, I was patriotically chasing down fictional terrorists hoping to prevent a catastrophic worldwide attack. At the time I would have argued that I was not totally useless. After all, I had promised her that my attention would turn to the dishes once I had accomplished the mission. Oblivious to the growing frustration in the other room, I procrastinated the more important mission in lieu of a stupid self-serving one.

This was the handsomest gamer pic I could find online. Don't want a photo that misrepresents me!

Now that I have earned the scorn of all womankind, I would inform you that I have recognized my error and made a sincere effort to make amends. I increased my resolution to help around the house. Flowers also may have been involved. So before we throw all men under the bus, remember that no one is perfect. 

Selfishness is a common foe which we must all keep in check. Nobody is immune to its allure. Even a selfless person can, and will, commit selfish acts to some degree. You will be selfish at some point in your life. You should do your best to avoid a selfish lifestyle, but remember that it is impossible to avoid altogether. So for those moments when you have recognized your selfish acts, do what you can to amend them. If you manage to accomplish that, you are already leagues ahead of most people.

There are reasons it is impossible to altogether avoid selfishness. The prime reason is that we can be utterly and hopelessly unaware of our selfishness. I had no intention of ignoring Kara and neglecting to do other important things. Consequently, I was not intending to upset her and make her life more difficult. I would never consciously make a decision with those aims. Why then would I have ever done what I did? I suppose it is for the same reason anyone else is selfish: I became so enveloped in myself that I was wholly unaware of my selfishness. There was an absolute exclusion of the interest and welfare of another human being in favor of the self. That is the simple and bold definition of selfishness.

Considering the triviality of my experience, you might wonder why this all matters. It was dealt with and all parties have moved on (hopefully). Since selfishness is so common and unavoidable, why should you even worry about it anyways? Simply put, selfishness is really self-destruction in slow-motion. Our selfish nature can lead to irreparable damage if left unchecked and unchallenged. While my example of selfishness came at a small price, not all selfish acts create minimal consequences. Some reach more shocking and tragic ends.

Let’s reflect on the case of Robin Williams. Mr.Williams was an accomplished actor and comedian who had a supernatural gift that allowed him to bring laughter and joy to millions of people. He is considered by many to be among the greatest comedians of all time. While accolades and applause for his work abound, he was also credited for having a selfless life. He was devoted to charity work which included performing for U.S. Troops, donating to earthquake victims, and fundraising for the homeless.

I think one story in particular best shows the extent of Mr.Williams’ selflessness and charity. Following a serious horse-back riding incident, famous actor Christopher Reeve became a quadriplegic. His life had changed both instantly and drastically. While still hospitalized, Reeve was visited by his good friend and college classmate Robin Williams. In a manner only Robin Williams could, he showed up pretending to be an eccentric Russian proctologist on a routine examination.  For the first time since the accident, Christopher Reeve laughed. Prior to Williams’ visit, Reeves felt hopeless and simply wanted to die. Speaking about his experience, Reeve said “My old friend had helped me know that somehow I was going to be ok.” Reeve was once again able to see why life, no matter how afflicted it can become, is indeed worth living.

Based on this story and his past work with charitable organizations, one can safely assume that Robin Williams was a selfless individual.

Having described Williams’ incredible life, let me bring you to the events of this week. Following a harrowing fight with depression, Robin Williams made the tragic decision to end his own life. Years of experience and service from a talented human being were recklessly discarded. Many undeserving people are now left dealing with the shock, hurt, and anger that usually follow in the wake of such decisions. I sympathize with his family, and all families who face such tragedies. For them, the consequences and hurting will last for years and leave scars that may never fully heal.

His death has also led to an intense debate. One side quickly condemns suicide as a selfish deed carried out by cowardly people. This side is concerned that we dismissively attribute too much to chemical imbalances. The other side is equally quick to call opponents ignorant and naïve. They challenge that depression is trivialized and is too complex an issue to be simplified down to mere “selfishness”. Both make great points that I agree with, yet I feel their argumentative substance fails to get at the heart of the debate. If anybody had a sense to calm down and sincerely read and understand one another’s thought process, they would notice that they agree on many things. Suffering from depression does not make you selfish. A singe selfish act does not make a person selfish. Depression is a serious societal ailment that ought to be more candidly discussed. Depression is a crippling and debilitating disease, but not an untreatable one. Suicidal thoughts are illogical; therefore they are not easily combated with logic. Depression is as complex and vast as the number of people that it affects. If you are truly interested in solving the problem and seeing things as they really are, then these are points that everyone can agree on.

This has been a sensitive and volatile debate. I will try to address this as sensitively and respectfully as possible.

At the heart of the debate lies the real question:  Is suicide a selfish act? If we are to honestly apply the definition of “selfishness” to this case, the answer is a resounding yes. There are certainly exceptions, but not many in my opinion. To be selfish is to be chiefly concerned with one’s own interest to the extreme exclusion of the interest of others. Surely this definition applies. I go back to something I said earlier. We can become so enveloped in ourselves that our selfish behavior doesn’t even register in our minds; at least not until it is too late. We can become so far removed that it does not even adequately cross our minds. I believe such is the case with us all, especially those who suffer from diseases like depression or addiction. Such was the case with Robin Williams.

His life is now marked with a tragic selfish act. Nonetheless, that single act does not define a life of charity, humor, and selflessness. It is wrong to ignore the burden and heartache that such a tragedy leaves on those left behind. Likewise, it is wrong for people to ignore the amount of good he and others like him have accomplished. I feel a lot of that has been lost in the angry online debates where the opinions are staunch and the posts are stench.

I am not going to pretend I know what goes on in the mind of someone who faces depression or addiction. I fortunately have been blessed to have a life free of those trials. While I have not personally experienced such things first hand, I know others who have. I acknowledge that those who do have those problems certainly have clouded judgment and illogical reasoning. As a result they may not be wholly responsible for their acts. I do not know or understand what could drive a person to make such extreme choices, but it is clear that they have a terrible struggle that is both painful and dangerous. Therefore, I refuse to judge a man on this one act of desperation as some people have. Instead, I will look at the whole of his life and appreciate him for his successes and his positive influence. The rest is up to a power much higher and much more merciful than human judgment.

This is obviously an extreme example. However, I think it shows us some important things about selfishness:

1.       Even the most selfless people can get caught up in a selfish choice. I feel it is important to make this distinction. A single act of selfishness does not make you a selfish person. I feel it is equally important to understand that a long history of uninterrupted and unrepentant selfish acts does make you a selfish person.

2.       We often make a selfish choice when we are past feeling or our judgment is clouded. It is extremely easy to be become unaware of what we do, think, and feel if we are not vigilant. No one is perfect. Therefore we should not reasonably expect to live perfectly. Of course, that doesn’t give us a free pass to let our thoughts and actions wildly go wherever the wind takes them.

3.       Selfish choices do not always have the intention to cause heartache and hurt. Some people may honestly feel that their decision is actually for the benefit of others. Others feel that their actions truly only affect themselves and no others. Be careful not to trick yourself into thinking this way. These opinions are what allow addiction, and other mental diseases like depression, to control and destroy the lives of those they affect. But we often justify our actions to ourselves by saying those same things in other situations.

4.       One selfish act does not have to define your life. Like I mentioned before, you will make selfish decision at some point. We all do. People don’t do themselves any favors by taking offense to the idea that they, or someone they admire, are selfish people. I think those people that recognize and accept this have a better chance at living a selfless life. These are people who humbly recognize their mistakes and are sincere in their efforts to make things right. If you commit a selfish act, you can fix it. If you are a selfish person, you can change.

Selfishness is a real issue with real consequences. This is a time when people are more self-absorbed, self-indulged, self-entitled, self-satisfied, and self-righteous. These traits have spread like weeds and caused damage and grief to many people. Ironically, the damage done to us is often self-inflicted. Even with the utmost care, these things can take root in your life and grow. Therefore, your life requires constant care and tending to remove the weeds of selfishness if you are to have any hope of living a selfless life.

If you are interested, these links have some excellent content on selfishness vs. selflessness.

To sum this all up, I could easily advise you to not be selfish. However, I feel that would be highly ineffective and slightly hypocritical. I have a hard time faulting someone for selfishness. As noted, I myself am naturally a selfish being. You are too. Do what you can to avoid a selfish life. But above all else, humbly recognize when you have been selfish and genuinely strive to fix the problems your selfishness causes. When you struggle, there are always people who love and appreciate you. Whatever the struggle may be, there is hope and help.